Day 252

Day 11: Tell us something you are afraid of

There are really only two things I am afraid of. The biggest one is failure, or being thought of as a failure. This has intensified as I have become a mother. I am fearful she will think I failed her because her father and I divorced when she was 2 months old. I am afraid that every choice I make could ultimately be something she throws in my face as something I did wrong, or something I DIDN’T do. I know that is silly, because at the end of the day I do feel like I am good mom to my child. I know that I love her more than the world itself, and everything I do for her I do because I have researched it thoroughly and am as confident as I can be that I am making the BEST choice for her.  My divorce has also left me with feelings of failure…that regardless of everything I did, I couldn’t make it work ( again in my brain I know this is irrational thinking- because two people make a marriage, but in my heart there is that feeling of failure). I am afraid that I have failed and may not be able to have a good relationship and/or marriage, maybe there is something wrong with me??? I fear failure in my job, mostly in that the parents, my principal, teachers, and even students will think there is something I didn’t do that I should have. I don’t want to give the wrong impression; I do not have some crippling fear of failure, but at the end of the day I am the biggest people pleasure you will meet and more than failing- I am afraid that I will be perceived as a failure by others.

On a much lighter note, I am also afraid of the dark- seriously. I think it comes from watching so many scary movies- I am just afraid that when it is pitch dark and I can’t see, that someone or something will get me. I always knew I had this fear to a slight degree, but it wasn’t until I was living on my own just how bad it was. I can’t sleep in total darkness I have to have the TV on…now that I don’t have a husband or Jake my trusty guard dog to protect me, I just can’t stand the dark. Interestingly enough, Hadley seems not to mind the dark at all…this is one thing I am glad not to have passed on to her.