When you can't say anything nice...

Rather than rant and rave about how angry I that some people can't seem to follow through with ANYTHING, I have decided to share these Halloween cards instead...

Pumpkins...finally

After two rainouts on days that I had planned taking Hadley to see the Pumpkin Village at the Arboretum, we finally made it there Sunday. We had a pretty great day, actually. We started with church, then headed to lunch at Gloria's (love that place), and Hadley actually behaved and acted like a civilized person and I got to eat my entire meal without having to wrestle with her. The Arboretum was packed (and a little expensive), but I am glad we went. Hadley loved running around for about an hour just looking at all the "punkies" and playing with hay (intrestingly enough looking back at her pumpkin picture from last year, she seemed to love hay BOTH years). It was fun until it was clear she was tired and a full blown meltdown signaled it was time to go. I just love fall and pumpkins and plan on taking pumpkin patch pictures every year, possibly even when Hadley is into her teens...

Here are some of my favorites from this weekend...

It's been a while...

I haven't blogged lately...it's been a little hectic lately and on top of that I am fighting a sinus infection; I am blamming the irratic Texas weather for that one. Not a whole lot has been going on that is out of the ordinary. We pretty much wake up, get ready, head to school, I go the gym, get Hadley and go home, we play, eat dinner, bathe, and go to bed...then reapeat.

We did get in a few days of playing outside. Hadley loves the slide, and asks to go slide a lot. She also has taken to like sitting on the rocking chairs on the balcony, she pretty much makes a beeline for the door everyday and says "outside."

She is getting to be pretty bossy. When she decides she wants something you better do it, or she will instantly go into a tantrum. It is almost comical how easily she throws herself into a fit- I just ignore that, because I am not going to deal with that. She has also learned to say "I'm sorry," she uses it sparaingly, but when she does use it correctly, she is so sweet!

Thoughts on a Thursday

Well Parenthood was not new this week, so there is no Parenthood Thursday today...so I am going to just kind of have a brain dump...

Do you ever feel like you have the same conversation with somebody over and over again, YET NOTHING ever changes??? I do. It is the most frustrating thing! I get sick and tired of hearing the same excuses/lies/false promises. I get tired of being told someone thinks will shut me up. I mostly get tired of being so emotionally vested in a cause that falls on deaf ears. On the same token, I get sick of hearing just outrageous lies that make no sense at all. Just because you say something doesn't make it true. I can sit here all day and say I am not hungry all the time, but it simply isn't the case. When you have done something wrong, own it- don't make up lies and excuses to make yourself feel better....

I wish so badly I could simply list the things I have been told in conversations this week, that are just outright ignorant and selfish. I keep telling myself I will not engage in these conversations, that no good ever comes out of them, but I do it anyway, why??? Mostly, because I have a deep desire for things to be "normal," functional, and at the very least I have the drive to do what is best for my child...so I suppose until I get it through my head that the said conversation will not end any differently, I will be beating my head againt the wall.

This really is my area of most stuggle. I pray about it all the time. I want to be a good person, one that isn't so quick to anger, or angry, or bitter, and I feel like this is the one area where I miserably fail. I mean I say horrible nasty things that never make me feel any better, and for what??? I just need to stop because it literally drives me crazy!!!

This morning, Hadley pulled out some Dr. Seuss shape flash cards that my mom got her several weeks ago. Just for fun I sat down with her and asked her what the shapes were and she actually knew several. It was very proud. Just as proud as was yesterday- her teacher was out sick and her sub just went on and on about how smart she is. I just love stuff like that, because of course I think she is super smart, but I am her mom. Hearing someone who has just spent one day with her say that, makes me think it is more than just a mom brag!

Life as of late...

A lot has been going on lately- some good, some stressful, and some pretty darn upsetting.

Last week was sort of blur, we have a lot going on at work...it's going to be pretty stressful until about March, but hopefully it won't be too awful. I am not sleeping too well, I attribute to the fact that I am not sleeping that great to underlying stress...meaning I don't neccessarily feel stressed, but I know that I am a wee bit.

I dipped my baby toe in the dating world...gee, I am going to chalk every experience up to a learning experience, but man it is rough. I am evidently not a very good judge of character- I mean I should know this by now. This person told me I "sold myself short" and there was "no hope of it getting better." There were some other offensive things that totally came out of who know where. Wow, really?!?! I am sorry that I have a difficult time hearing compliment after compliment. I much rather you ask about day, or better yet engage in a conversation when I

tell you about something that has happened rather than responding with "You're hot," or some other variation of that. You barely know me, you should spend your time getting to know me rather than going on and on about yourself and how amazing you are. I just don't like hollow words. I am all for word of affirmation when they mean something, but as a placeholder for conversation is it very offputting. I mean besides I don't think most people would respond to such comments with I know I am the most amazing thing ever. I am a confident person, I mean maybe I am a little more tarnished than I once was, but if you know me, you know I don't exactly have low self esteem, you also know that I don't necessarily feel comfortable having someone go on and on about me...I think that is being called humble????

So I guess, I just dust myself off, move forward and follow my new plan, just sit back and let things happen; I clearly am not good at making these choices for myself. I am looking for greatness, it is going to have to be worth my time to take time away from my child. In the meantime, I can have a good time with my girlfriends, my family, and can enjoy doing things by myself (I have a new found appreciation to doing things by myself). I have hope that there is a good match for me somewhere out there, and when the timing is right it will just happen... and if it doesn't it doesn't- I have a pretty great life so I am just going to focus my efforts on that.

Speaking of, Hadley is doing well. We have had some beauttiful weather days, so she has

been enjoying playing outside. While at school, she seemingly is having a love affair with sand. It is in her hair, in her mouth, in her shoes, all over clothes, they claim they can't keep her away from it... She is also working on counting to ten, she can do it pretty well.

She is talking more and more everyday and sometimes just knows things that I have no idea how she knows them. She is just so smart! She is really into apples these days she eats at least one a day and would eat more if given the chance. She is just a ball of energy, but it is slowly becoming apparent that she is NOT a morning a person. This morning when I woke her up, she kept telling me to hush....as I morning person I do not understand this!

Here are some photos from this weekend, that I haven't shared...

A battle of wits

As I often say, my daughter is very stubbborn. As soon as she figured out that she didn't

HAVE to wear bows, or anything in her hair for that matter, she REFUSES. I have to battle her to try to get her unruly hair in a ponytail. I have pretty much given up any hope of ever doing her hair again, untill yesterady. When I went to get her at daycare they had put her hair up in a ponytail. I asked if she let them do that, and they said she had no issue. So this morning I was determined to get that little stinker's hair up ,she isn't even two- she should not be winning!!!! After several times of being told no, her pushing my hands away, and the big guns- tears; we got her hair up. Not my neatest ponytail, but it was off her face and most importntly... I WON!!!

Today was pink out day at my school, for breast cancer- so Hadley and I both wore our pink,

as you can imagine neither of us have a shortage of pink in our closets!!!!

Parenthood Thursday

You know the deal by now right? I watch Parenthood Wednesday nights and then I get all emotional and write about it here...

This week it really made me think about how precious life it. I mean really. Christina just had a baby, one that is younger than Hadley and just like that they found cancer, now her future is uncertain. It really hit home becuase her oldest daughter Hattie is away at college. Once they told Hattie what was going on she got on a plane and headed home. I just can't imagine

going though that being away at school. Family is one of the most important things in life, they are the ones you need in the dark times. I am sure it is going to painful to watch in the coming weeks as her husband Adam goes through that with her. Love is such a powerful thing, I can't imagine being in any part of that equation. My limited experience with cancer is not so great...hopefully my relationship will continue to be limited.

Also on tonight's episode, Julia, who is probably the one most like me ( she is very type A, very driven, and a working mom). They recently adopted a 9 year old boy and it has bren rough on her and her husband. She has not been totally focused on her job, she is a lawyer and missed a really importnt deadline. The partners called her in and told her she was on the partner track, they asked that she promise that from this point forward her job be the most important thing, and she couldn't- so she quit. Earlier that same day she had a full blown anxiety attack. It was reassuring for me to see that even the most together moms ( yes even fictional ones) sometimes can't do it all. Futhermore, being a mom can sometimes totally change your priorities and plans for yourself. Things that were so importnat before don't seem so important anymore...

If you aren't watching yet- what are you waiting for?? I love this show!


And just for fun...

Sick day

I have come home sick from work today, so while I am here on the couch, I a catching up on some of my DVRed shows. I just got through watching Amber Behind Bars. It was a 30 min

show with Amber Portwood from Teen Mom and Dr. Drew. I have alwaysw been a fan of teen mom, even more so since I have been a mom. Sadly, in lots of way I relate to the struggle of the girls; raising their children alone. I have never really liked Amber so well, but her and Gary story always hit home with me. In lots of ways it reminded me of events in my life and in my marriage... We will leave it at that.

While watching Ambewr in jail talk about addicition really struck a chord with me. Addiction is such a complicated thing. If you have never had to deal with it, I don't thing you really understand how

life altering and consuming it can be. Going through that with a loved one is so incredibly hard. Addiition changes people in so many ways, nothing else matters to an addict, every moent of everyday is about getting a fix. I have experiened addiitionpersonally and have worked with lots of teen at a teen rehab, so I feel pretty confident in saying I have a grasp of how addicition can impact a family.

It was just heart wrenching to hear a mother say out loud that while she was in active addition she didn't even careabout her own daughter. It reminded me of the passion I once had to work to work in addicition counseling. I just know i really enjoyed my stint at the rehab center that i worked at, I loved the kids and young adults, and if it paid better I would seriously consider doing that full time. It was just a good reminder of why i went into counseling at all, to help people. At the end of the day I hope that I have given at least one person sort of helpor guidance. i just want to make a difference in the lives of young people- I feel like that is what I am on this earth to do!

Growing Girl

The last few days it dawned on me how much Hadley has grown and changed in a year. Yesterday I took her to her very first dentist appointment. I am one that loves the dentist and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I went from a young age on. I loved my pediatric dentist, he was probaly the nicest most soft spoken men I have ever know. I guess it was because of this that I didn't have a cavity until I was into my 20's. I was nervous and exited to take Hadley. I was curious to see how she would do, but nervous because I knew deep down she wouldn't like it one bit. I know how she is when it comes to being in control (one of those traits she got from her dear ol' mama!). SInce she is under three they made me go back with her, but I had to hide behind a fish tank while they cleaned. She cried and screamed most of the time. When they were done the hygenist came

and talked to me. She said she did better than most, as she did not bite or kick; I was equally as happy to hear that the amount of plaque on her teeth was below average, so at least I am doing something a little right! The dentist said she 8 more teeth to come in. THe next will be her canine teeth which we won't see until Christmas and her molars will not be making an appearance until summer...so we have a while to go!

The dentist gave her a free Chick-FIl-A meal and a punpkin, so the fact that I am broke and free meal is a free meal, outweighed my political views (that is a joke...sort of), so that's where we went. She really enjoyed the lemondae and ketchup more than anything else! More than that, she really enjoyed playing on the play place, that was her first experience with anything like that and she loved it, basically if there is a slide, she is in heaven!

A few hours later we headed to the doctor to check on some sniffles and to get her flu shot. It was in the moments after her shot that is dawned on me how much older she is. Last year she of course just cried, this year she said "Owie" and "boo boo.." it made me a little more sad,

but also proud that she could express pain- she has come a long way. Let it be noted that she can be a bit of a drama queen (really, I have no idea where she gets that from....). She seems to always have owies that need to be given some TLC, I have even witnessed her bumping her head on purpose so that she could say owie, she is something else.

I also was able to snap a few pictures of her in her Halloween costume. We have been practicing wearing it, because I knew that if we didn't she would have an issue being enlosed by the suit. So almost everyday she puts it on for a bit. Lately she has asked to put it on. She likes to wear it for a bit, but seems to take more delight in pulling it off. It velcroes in the front and I like to think she feels like the incredible Hulk ripping it off...maybe not. But how cute is that? I love the costume, and I found it on sale at Old Navy super cheap while I was doing my back to school shopping, can't beat that. Last Halloween my arms ached from carrying her around while we went trick-or-treating, this year I am sure she won't let me carry her- because these days she can do everything for herself, thank you very much!

Glee lyrics...

I just watched this week's episode of Glee, and the whole episode really made me emotional; I'm just like that! This song really struck a chord with me...so here are the lyrics.

"The Scientist"

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Ooooohhhhhhh [x4]

Thoughts on a Thursday...

I think at this point I can safely say, on Thursday it will pretty much be a given I will write about something that has to do with the show Parenthood. Yes it comes on Tuesday nights, but I never watch until Wednesday, thus Thursday I write about it.

As I have said on here a million times, it is GREAT show, if you aren't watching it- you are really missing out. Ray Ramono has a role on there now, and it is really different than anything he has done before. The show just has a way of connecting viewers with the characters. It is relevant and makes me cry every week.

This week there were two topics that really struck a cord with me, and they are actually things that caught me by surprise, as neither topics are things I have experienced personally. Zeke

the dad, Craig T. Nelson, somehow ended up at what I think was a VFW, or a similar type of lodge for veterans (see this is way out of my scope of knowledge...). He evidently was a Vietnam War vet. He was having a conversation with a guy who recently returned from the war. It really contrasted how different soilders are recieved today vs back then. I have a little bit of knowledge about this, because my stepdad James fought in the Vietnam war, but if you meet him I don't think that is something you would ever guess. I hardly ever hear him talk about it. What I have heard him say is the hatered he felt when he returned home. People did not have parades or celebrate their bravery. I think that is really sad. What he and the thousands of other men experienced was no less dangerous, was no less heroic, was no less patriotic, yet for him, and droves of others like him, it is just something that happened, something that they don't want to think about. I am POSITIVE that men that fought that in that war experienced what we today know as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and were never treated. These men had to come back to the US and just assimilate back into society as if they had never left, it is crazy to me. It just really made me appreciate what James, and others like him, experienced. As I said, most people would never have any idea what all he has been through, how he served his country- I think that deserves recognition.

I really got choked up when Jabar (a little boy who is half black and half white) asked his white father what the N-word was (he said the word, I will not). He heard it in a rap song and didn't know what it meant. His white dad tried to explain it was a bad word, but his mother who was black really explained it in a way that conveyed the power behind the word. The hurt it can bring. After Jabar went to bed the parents were discussing things and how one day he might be called that word, Crosby (the dad, was visably upset about it). Obviously Hadley will never be called that word, but it is true, people are mean and say things to cut people down. While there isn't a word that carries the same amount of magnitude, it is possible that one day someone will call my child a word that will hurt, and I can't do anything to stop it. We can do everything in our power to protect our kids, but really we can't protect them all the time. The world is hard, people are mean- I see it all the time. It just made me think about a sentence I read in a blog earlier that morning, parenting is loving a child so much it hurts. It still amazes me how much I am able to love my child, how I feel so strongly about wanting to keep anything that can hurt her away. It is my job to raise her in a way to be strong enough to survive in this sometimes cruel and unforgiving world.

Sleeping Beauty

The last few days have been heavenly...why, you may ask? It really boils down to one simple answer. Hadley has stayed asleep through my alarm, thrrough my shower, and through the entire getting ready process. Words can't express how much easier it is to get ready without her in the bathroom asking to be picked up, or pulling things off the counter top...I mean it is just so nice to be able to go through my morning routine all while she sleeps. I also like the added bonus of being able to wake her up and focus my attention entirely on her, rather than rushing around to get us both ready and entertain her...here's hoping this continues...

On a different note I found a new app for blogging it allows me to text wrap pictures, which makes me excited (this was just a test picture...)

"Drowning in circumstance"

This is a quote from a prayer tonight at my bible study. I started a new one with a new group of ladies; we are doing a study of a "Trusting God When It Hurts." I am pretty excited about, as I have been through my share of hurts. I don't want to be a victim drowning in my circumstances, and I think this study will give me direction for even the minor hurts I seem to encounter once and again. The past two studies I have done has been moms groups which have been awesome, in contrast this group is all divorced woman who are also moms. I look forward to a study with women who have been through similar life experiences as me- I'm thinking there is a lot of wisdom I. can gain from these women. The book came in today and I can't wait to start it! Hadley had such a great time playing with her friends while I was at my group, I love any time she gets to be with peers at church, hopefully this will be our church for many years to come and these peers will be friends. Today was just a good day!

Hadley Grace is 21 Months Old!

Hadley Grace is 21 months old; in just 3 short months she will be two and it will no longer matter how many months she is. It’s been a whirlwind of a month, let me tell you. Each day she does something new and amazing-really! She is pretty fun, most of the time; you know when she isn’t throwing a temper tantrum. It seems the terrible “pre” twos are in full swing- oh boy!

Here are some highlights from this month:

• We have had a bit of sleep regression, most nights she wakes up between 2 and 3 am wanting a drink; sometimes I can get her to sleep without it, sometimes I can’t
• She is talking more and more every day. My favorite phrase that she has nearly perfected is “I love you Mama!”
• She loves to dance and has taken to going up to the stereo asking for me to turn it on so she can dance about
• She is still a great eater, she REALLY loves broccoli and apples- she eats them both several times a week
• I think she has a bit of a creative side, she loves to color and play with stickers
• I am thinking she is a lefty, she eats and draws with her left hand more often than not
• She attended her first wedding and made it all the way through the processional before we had to step out
• She is a pro at all animal sounds- she can identify most animals and their sounds- even uncommon ones, like a gorilla, snake, hyena, and turkey
• She loves, LOVES bubbles and balloons
• We are on the verge of learning to count- she LOVES the number two, and knows it comes after one. Similarly she can say a lot of colors and is starting to get better at identifying them, rather she doesn’t answer purple anytime someone asks her what color something is
• She is great at cleaning up, I think she might have a bit of OCD, she likes things to be a certain way
• We are not officially potty trained, but she does use the potty at least once a day- she is able to communicated that she needs to go and can differentiate which both bodily function she needs to use…sorry if that’s TMI


She is just a loving/sweet/funny/happy little girl. She makes me laugh every day! She is compassionate and so smart. I am loving all these new changes, everyday she is becoming more of a big girl, it is crazy how much she has changed in 30 days!