Thoughts...

Today is going to be a long post and it is mostly about me. Sorry, I have just been in a place of thinking a lot lately and just needed to get it out. I know several people read this blog to follow HADLEY and if that is you, it won’t hurt my feelings if you stop reading now- there will be a typical Hadley post tomorrow, I promise.

For the rest of you, I know the following probably will resemble rambling and that’s okay; my mind has been racing the last few weeks and the only thing I can think to do with that is put it on “paper.”

Maybe it’s because we are entering the month of Valentine’s Day, or perhaps it is just because of the events that have happened in my life as of lately. Whichever it is, I’ve been doing lots of thinking, in particular about relationships…more specifically about my relationships (or some might argue lack thereof). I grew up in a blended family. I do not have any recollection of my parents being together and with one exception I have never in my life seen my mom and dad fight. I have not even really heard the other speak an ill word of each other. I might even go out on a limb and say to some extent they respect each other, because at one point they were married and had a child together- so that should be expected, or so I think. Even my stepfather seems to have a good relationship with his ex-wife, they talk about their GROWN children when the need arises and can be civil to each other. Even more than that my mom, dad, and step dad can function together as family- for the most part everyone gets along and again understands that they all work together for the good of their common bond- me, their child.

This is my background; this is how I think things should be. I mean I am not living in a Utopian world; I am not dumb to the fact that there is on some level some, for lack of a better word, resentment there. I mean I think that is normal; no one enters a marriage thinking it will end in divorce. When one person decides it is over, regardless of how the other person feels, that does something to a person I can’t really explain. Clearly it hurts, but it is almost on a level you didn’t even know existed before that moment. So what is the point? There is one, trust me. I guess when I think about my own personal experience it makes me really sad that I have gone through a divorce, but you know what really is heart breaking, at least to me? When I think about the state of the LACK of RELATIONSHIP I have with my ex-husband, the father of my child. When I think about the amount of hostility and hate he seems to have towards me, it really makes me question a lot of things. Really and truly the anger confuses me, this divorce wasn’t my idea- it wasn’t what I wanted, but I did the work- I filed and went to court and got it done, so that we both could move on. All along I have been a bystander to his choices. It really makes me wonder if our marriage meant anything at all ever to him? When I really sit and think about it, I am not so sure, and I think that is what hurts a million times more than a divorce. Was I just someone to pass the time with until something more interesting came along? If I let myself sit and ponder it really takes my mind to a sad, depressing place, so I try not to do that.

Now though, as Hadley gets older, I worry a lot. I don’t know how to navigate this unfamiliar territory. I mean in my mind it doesn’t compute to not be able to have a mutual respect between two people that at one point loved each other enough to make a marriage commitment AND have a child together. I don’t know how to fix it or even at least attempt to make it look pretty on the outside.

As time marches on I just have to hope that the situation gets better, that at some point the two people that were once in love will be able to have some sort of positive relationship for the sake of our beautiful child. It’s been a year and it seems to continue to get worse, at what point will it start getting better? At what point will I actually feel like I will be able to look at Hadley and tell her without lying that at one point in time “mommy and daddy really each other at one point”? I can tell her how I felt, but really as I have learned in the past year that was really one sided. Divorce sucks, everyone knows that, but really it is like the gift that keeps on giving. Anytime I think about it, which isn’t all that often- I am raising a one year old, I don’t have a lot of time to think, but as I am approaching my second valentine’s day alone since my separation it seems to haunt the back of mind, it just really is bad. However, it hasn’t killed my spirit. I do believe in great love and I do believe that it just takes finding the right person to make it all make sense. I am hopeful that I will find love again, just as I am hopeful that one day I will be able to co-parent my child with her father as my partner, and that as a 28 year old woman Hadley will look back at her life and with all sincerity claim that she doesn’t remember ever seeing her parents fight and that even though she can’t remember them ever being together (because in her lifetime we sadly never were), but that she always knew they respected and cared for each other.



** The second installment of 50 Questions**



6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Easy, my job I have now. I LOVE my job. I am doing exactly what I have wanted to do since I was 12. I am working with kids, helping them make decisions that could very well impact the rest of their lives- how awesome is that? Plus I get a Spring Break, summer vacation, and Christmas break!

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? I am a person of convictions. I typically do what I believe in. I think for the most part I live each day according to my belief system and strive to model that for Hadley. I lived a life of settling and it was not fun, I didn’t smile nearly enough, I didn’t take time to enjoy small things, and I was just a very unhappy shell of a person. Because of that experience I am striving to live each day doing what I believe in. It’s pretty easy working in public education, because I believe in that SO MUCH!



8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I would definitely take more time to be around the people that I genuinely care about. I think too often the mundane every day stuff takes time away from time I could be spending with people I love.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? I would say quite a bit. There have been time that a divine intervention has taken place and taken me on a slightly different detour than I would have picked, but for the most part my life path actually pretty closely mirrors the path I had laid out for myself. I am certainly grateful for all the times that God put me in a place I never would have imagined or chosen for myself- it is those experiences most of the time that have made the biggest difference in my life!


10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? I like to do things right more than the average person I think, but when it comes down to it, it is definitely more important to do the right thing.