Brain dump...

I have been really thinking about a lot of things the past couple of weeks. I suppose the New Year gets me thinking- as I think it does everyone else- about changes and such. It kind of dawned on me that there is a lot I want, no really need to change. I started off the year by thinking that I was so happy at far I had come in the past year. I thought I was a lot stronger (don’t get me wrong I don’t think I was ever weak), but when I think where I was at this point last year I do feel like I am MUCH better off than I was a year ago. However, when I get to really thinking about it, I feel like I am a bit of a fraud. I say I am stronger, I say that things don’t bother me, but wouldn’t you know it, just as I am so confident of myself a test comes along, that knocks me back to my knees. I am certain this is a God thing, humbling me, because really there is no need to get all cocky about it. What gets me every time is this: I can’t control other people. I can’t decide how other people live their lives; I can’t make decisions for other people. Generally that is perfectly fine, but unfortunately sometimes this means I get hurt, or worse my child suffers. It is so easy, I mean SO EASY, for me to go to a place of anger and instantly think and say awful things about a person or people who I feel are not doing the things they should, this is my biggest fault. I should be the bigger person, I should be a virtuous woman and bite my tongue, but I can’t! This has to change, what kind of example is that for Hadley?? Not the one I want to be. All I know is I am in constant prayer about it, it really is plaguing me. I hate that I let such insignificant things take up so much of my time and energy. I hate that I let auxiliary people control me and get the best of me. I hate that I have a mean side that makes me act in ways that do not show a good example. I do want my daughter and the world to see me as a strong, confident woman that is of good character; in the back of mind I question myself, how strong is my character if I have some not so nice things swirling around in the back of my mind? I just needed to get that out- I literally wake up at night thinking about it. I am a not a perfect person, and I don’t think there is a single person on this planet that would think that I am even close, but I do want to be the best version of myself I can be and lately I am questioning how close to version I actually am…so I am going to make a concerted effort to live up to be the best person I can be, particularly in situations that aren’t ideal- those are the true test of character. So now that I have put this on my blog, I HAVE to be accountable, I have put this out there for the world to see. Wish me luck.

As for Hadley, she is doing well. We are working on replacing her bottle in the middle of the night with a sippy of water hoping that eventually she will stop waking up in the middle of the night. It has been going better than I thought, she only woke up once last night and went back to sleep pretty quickly- so I am not complaining. Really I wasn’t complaining before- like I have mentioned before she isn’t sleeping through the night, but she is only up for moments at a time. I personally have a hard time sleeping though the night, as I told my mom this morning, I woke up at 1am and watched the episode of Parenthood I missed. Before being a mom though I think I did sleep better at night.

RSV has been going around at daycare, so I am really hoping Hadley stays healthy. Three kids are out of her class, and they have really disinfected and shampooed the carpets, so I guess we will see what happens. I mean I can’t protect her from everything, luckily she had a great doctor’s appointment this week, so hopefully we are in the clear!

The past few weeks Hadley has woken up less than happy, I am hoping this is just an adjustment to not getting to wake up on her own time, which she enjoyed the two weeks of Christmas break…we shall see.

Speaking of Christmas break, while we were at my mom’s Hadley took a sudden interest in attempting to carry her diaper bag or my purse. I suppose she sees me carry them around and wants to do the same….it’s a sight to see her attempt to put one or the other on her shoulder and carry them around as they are both about her size. She also loves to take everything out of purse. I caught her in my purse last night, but evidently she was just looking for the brush to fix her hair, because as soon as she found it, she went to brushing her hair…already such a girly girl. The things she picks up on!