Long sigh...

Today is the day, the day I have waited for since probably spring break- it is my last day of work until August 1st. That’s right, that’s 6 full weeks of not working. Honestly though, I will be coming in to work off and on, but I don’t have to and I can wear shorts, so I guess that’s a plus! I am pretty darn excited to walk out of this school today and not think about GPAs, schedules, transcripts, bullying, etc. Although in truth I have my work email on my phone and will most likely get at least one email related to at least of those items at least once a day. I just can’t unplug completely. I am not complaining, there is a sick part of me that likes it, it makes me feel helpful and I like that.

As I sort of mentioned earlier in the week, I have been in a funk. I wasn’t going to write about it in my blog, but not that is seems to no longer be an issue, I guess I can. About two months ago, I met a guy. A guy I thought was pretty great, actually. As trite and stupid as it sounds, that just made me kind of float on air for a while. I thought maybe, finally I had found a person I could go on dates with, a person that I could spend time with, a person that maybe, just maybe might one day meet my child and somehow fit into mine and Hadley’s life (I want to stop right now and say that in two months, I did not bring this person around my child, in fact I rarely even talked about her, as I just DO NOT agree with bringing the kids into the mix until you are sure it is an important relationship- I DO NOT want Hadley to get used to someone, only for it not to work out. I think that is confusing and it something I feel so incredibly strong about, it is just my opinion). ANYWAY, going through a divorce and separation, all while being pregnant and ultimately raising a baby on my own, has made me have some very strong opinions about what I want and what I don’t. I have put up with a lot of bad and have learned several lessons about what is okay and what isn’t. I told myself to just keep things light and easy, I told myself not to get excited, I reminded myself over and over again if I didn’t do those two things, this could ultimately end up leaving me pretty upset…but of course, I ignored all of those inner voices, I told myself, “I got this…”

What I didn’t know, what I couldn’t have known, was what dating would be like after the fall out of a marriage; a marriage in which there was lots of betrayal , anger, and worst of all hurt. I knew the divorce did a number on my self-image/esteem, just overall confidence, but it really made me question EVERYTHING. I have very little trust, I am so afraid I am going to do something wrong. It just isn’t fair. I mean logically I know that I am a nice person, I feel like I have several great qualities and KNOW that someday someone is going to feel lucky to be with me, but the first attempt after the divorce, just left me feeling crazy. I question everything, I have completely lost my inability to just go with the flow…it pisses me off!!! So I am pretty sure my newfound craziness (well I am not going to say I didn’t have a little crazy before), has ruined any chance of anything working out in this situation, which really bums me out. I did learn a lot about myself in the process. I definitely see my weaknesses and know what I need to change if I ever want the chance to be successful in any relationship. It just made me realize dating sucks…this is why I wanted to get married 5 years ago, I am just not a good dater. I like stability, I like the everyday mundane life together…I don’t know what that says about me. I just know plenty of single moms that have no problem dating, it seems as soon as one relationship is over, they have several prospects waiting, and that just has never been me.

So here I am, wondering what lies ahead for me and Hadley. I know that I don’t need a man in my life to be happy, but it sure would be nice to have someone to share the details of the day with, someone to call when something exciting/awful happens, a partner to share every aspect of life with. I am not in a hurry, I am going to be patient; I suppose now I am just a little disappointed this first rattle out of the box didn’t go as well as I would have liked, but it was a learning experience if nothing else…