Lessons in parenting and a semi movie review

I am a hypocrite. I am not a huge fan of wearing shoes, as soon as I get to work and at my desk-the shoes come off. I appreciate cute shoes, but really prefer to be barefoot whenever I can. This morning as we were driving to school, Hadley is in the back seat trying to take off her shoes, and I tell her that she better keep her shoes on! Then I am struck with guilt. I get it, I don’t like shoes either, but here I am scolding her for doing exactly what I do all the time…this is parenting, telling your children NOT to engage in all the “bad habits” you have picked up…

Last night’s beef stroganoff in the crock pot was a success, we both liked it- it’s a keeper.

Hadley found her baby doll and stroller for the first time in a while last night. I thought I was helping her by putting the baby in the stroller, but Hadley didn’t like it. She insisted on taking the baby out, or at least whining in such a way that communicated to me “take this baby out of here, now!” Once I did that she showed me how the baby should ride in the stroller by simply placing her on top of it. What was I thinking?!? The baby doll was a nice change from puzzles and books. She is getting to be pretty demanding. Last night we read about 8 books back to back. If Hadley brings me a book and I don’t sit down, put her in my lap and start reading immediately- she proceeds to have a fit. A fit in which brings her to her knees crawling and then a full on tantrum in which she throws herself down on the ground (umm...this brings back a few too many flashbacks from my own childhood- I could throw a tantrum with best of them), I hate to laugh at her when she is so upset, but it really is so dramatic and pathetic all at the same time.

After bath and bottle and getting Hadley down by 6:15, I decided it was finally time to watch Black Swan which has been on my DVR for two weeks, a perk of the free weekend of HBO Dish Network gave me not that long ago. I am not sure what I was expecting. I mean I knew it was pretty critically acclaimed and I knew I love Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis like A LOT, and that is was going to be “dark.” It was pretty good, and it was also pretty disturbing. It was intense, but I guess the counselor in me really liked the portrayal of psychosis and neurosis can affect a person. It’s a movie that I think sticks in your brain for a few days and just kind of marinades. As I am typing this I am thinking how in a lot of ways it reminds me of Fight Club…it also makes me think about the whole world of dance and/or gymnastics can really mess with girls’ and young women’s’ minds, self image, etc. It’s a crazy world- that is for sure, just watch Dance Moms (which comes on tonight-yay!)

Hadley got her first Scholastic book order at school yesterday- I am SUPER excited about it. I loved book orders as a kid, and as a former teacher I LOVE them for my book obsessed daughter!

Today is day two of Hadley’s Valentine’s Day outfits. I love this little shirt, it’s pretty cute. Yesterday at school Hadley went through three outfits. I literally have to pack 5-6 outfits in her bag each week to ensure she has enough change of clothes-so I am sure she won’t be wearing it when I pick her up this afternoon. After a few days of not wanting to fight a 13 month old, I attempted the pigtail battle again today- clearly I won. However, that was only after she started crawling around in an attempt to escape me. I wish she understood as I told her that when she does that it makes me pull her hair, which doesn’t feel good, but she doesn’t seem to care too much about logic!



Here is today’s portion of 50 questions…

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? Neither, but if I HAD to choose, I would much rather keep the memories I have. With technology these days it seems as if I would be able to document everything new and perhaps I may not be able to attach sentimental value to it, I would at least be able to “relive” the newer memories over and over again.

27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? Yes, there are some things that are absolute truth…

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? Yes, my greatest fear was to have a child that would have to know the reality of divorced parents, and really to go through a divorce myself, but it happened and I survived.

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? Really five years ago my life was so carefree. I was a single teacher two years out of college. I had several things that caused drama, but in the long run none of it matters now. That is what I tell my students pretty much every day, the things that upset us SO MUCH right now, really won’t matter much, in a few weeks, months, or years.

30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special? When I think about my childhood I think about my backyard, in the first house I ever lived in. I feel like we did a lot out there. It makes me think of swinging, my play house, kiddie pools, getting my first dog Kerri, eating ham roll ups under the tree in the backyard with my mom and napping outside. It was simple and just happy.

Just another manic Monday...

Today, on this Monday morning, in lieu of a traditional blog, you will find a bulleted list- a sort of brain dump of things that have been happening around here. So let’s get started!

• It is officially February, which means Valentine’s Day is on the way, and there is nothing like I more than an excuse for Hadley to have “theme outfits.” So starting today she has an outfit that incorporates pink, red, and/or hearts. She had a lot of these already and a few came from Once Upon a Child, consignment is the best! ( Today's top is cute, but reminds me of a scrub top...)
• I have been working with Hadley with shape sorters, we have several varieties. When she got home last night she pulled out her cookie jar shape sorter on her own. We played with if for a while, and I actually caught a picture of her, on her own, putting a shape in the correct hole. This is progress; she isn’t really patient enough for shape sorters. She like to try to ram each block into the same cube and will get pretty frustrated. I have a feeling she might be behind- hence why we have been working on it!
• Hadley has a ton of books. I got really tired of putting them on the bookshelf every night after she pulled about 25 books of the shelf. So I have put all her board books in a basket so she can easily get them, without having to make a game of emptying the shelves!
• She really loves ALL her books, but she has this one called One Tiny Baby, that is about the birth of Jesus and is also a counting book. She loves that book and even though she actually has a couple of books that include illustrations of the Christmas story, every time she picks up this book, she HAS to kiss the baby Jesus on the front- it is adorable!
• I am making beef stroganoff in the crock pot as we speak. I have not ever tried this recipe and hope it is yummy! I like the idea that while I am working, a delicious dinner is cooking away.
• Hadley slept like a champ last night. Down by 7:30 and slept the whole night through and had to be woken up at 6:15!
• Hadley definitely knows the word ba-ba now and says it very clearly. She only gets a bottle a bedtime and perhaps because it is “special,” she has started asking for it. Every night after her bath she gets her bottle while I rock her to sleep. She knows to walk up to the refrigerator (where I have pre-poured her milk in a bottle right before putting her in the bath tub) and says “ba-ba” and hits the door. Hey, she knows what she wants!
• Speaking of words, she can say “bye bye” now too and occasionally will say it as we leave day care
• I did not watch one second of ANYTHING related to the super bowl…not even Madonna ( I would have liked to see that…)
• I fell asleep at 8ish, yet still had a hard time waking up this morning. I didn’t get much sleep this weekend, all that friend time meant late nights. I think this weekend; I am going to just do nothing (other than give the ACT).
• I really enjoyed my class yesterday at church about how to study the Bible. I have read the Bible- I made it a mission while I was pregnant, but after that class I am going to do it again, I mean really I need to be doing some bible reading EVERY day. I am not going to lie, at the end of the day after working and coming home to be mommy- prayer and bible study have fallen at the bottom of the list- this is bad, I NEED to be better
• I have to go to region ten Wednesday for a scheduling workshop and Thursday is a school wide jeans day- this means I get to wear jeans three out of five days this week- that is the highlight of the week- so exciting (I love that educators get so excited about jeans!)
Finally, here is the next installment of 50 questions…

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? In reality I am a worrier, so I think it would be nice to be a simpleton and not have to ponder all the what if’s.



22. Why are you, you? I am product of my upbringing and several situations in my life. I have been molded by people and events that have impacted me either negatively or positively.

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? I think I can be and I definitely strive to be, but I am self aware to know that there are several times in which I could be a better friend. I get so involved in Hadley and my life that sometimes I don’t make the effort that I think I should and that I expect from my friends…so I am a work in progress, how is that?

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? I think losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you, because really that shows that you both just let the friendship die. If someone is important to you, you make the effort no matter if they are 5 minutes or 15 hours away.

25. What are you most grateful for? Hadley. She came at the exact right time. I always wanted to be a mom and knew that was a part of my plan. Little did I know how perfectly timed her birth was, she came in the midst of my life in total upheaval, had it not been for Hadley I am not sure how I would have made it through the last year- seriously.

I forgot to mention, my friend Farrah got Hadley a new toy phone and she LOVES IT!! Perfect for the car! Thanks Farrah!

Life can throw you some curve balls....

This morning I got to church a wee bit early. It was cold so I had my car in accessory mode to try to save gas ( because my gas light was on) yet still benefit from the heater. I sat in my car talking to my mom for about 25 minutes on the phone. As I was about to get out I noticed the radio went off, but didn't really pay attention to that fact, hindsight is 20/20.

I go to church enjoy my class, but feel a little tired and wanted to go home. So I skip my usual parent pager service and head to the car. When I get there my car won't start. I automatically assume it is because I have no gas/ remember I mentioned that my gas light was on?!?! I think about calling someone, but think that by the time anyone would get there I would have been able to walk to the neatest had station ( a 2ish minute car trip). So in my T-shirt and light sweater I start walking. I secretly hope some nice person from church will offer me a ride, but no such luck. About 20 minutes later I arrive at the gas station and fill my gas can ( that luckily I always have on hand).

I start walking back, two men stop and ask if I want a ride, but I am not getting in a strange man's car alone. Shortly after a nice lady, a fellow church member that I didn't know, offered to give me a ride ( praise God).

I proceed to put the two gallons in my car. When I go to turn the key- nothing happens, except a grinding sound. At this moment I realize it wasn't a gas issue, oh no- it was the battery. About this time the sheriff that patrols the church parking lot rolls around ( praise God yet again). He says that sounds like a dead battery. I tell him I have jumper cables and he jumps my car and tada it works!! He tells me I need to get a battery soon, and after I call my parents my step dad concurs,so alas I find myself waiting at the Wal-Mart "quick" lube waiting. The people around me have been waiting over an hour, looks like I'll be here a while. Such an unplanned agenda for a Sunday! Hopefully I get out of here in time to get Hadley..,,

Another great weekend!

It was another great weekend. On the weekends I don't have Hadley I like to stay busy so I don't miss her so much; I also like to have time to see great friends and have whole conversations!

This weekend was busy, and the best part was I got to see several good friends. Friday was good. I got up early so that Hadley and I could get some good play time in, she of course wanted to read books, so we read 4! After I dropped Hadley off with her Nana I headed to Richardson to hang out with all a few of my North ladies. We had a blast and laughed a lot. Saturday I woke up and chatted with Farrah for a bit, the headed to do some running around with Camille and Julia, before we headed to Arlington that night for my friend Nosa's house warming party. It was so much fun and I got to see a few old friends I hadn't seen in ages!
Sunday means two things- church and laundry, so that's my plan for today. There is some football game on today, but I won't be watching it! I'm so ready to get my hands on Hadley! Even though I had a great weekend, I still miss my baby girl!

Ready for the weekend!

I want to start off this morning, by sending out a very special birthday shout out to my BFF Tara. Tara today you are older than me, you are almost 30 (how did we get so old???). I have had the pleasure of being friends with Tara since 7th grade (you know back in day, those awkward middle school days). Tara is also the mommy of Hadley’s future husband Landon, who is having an MRI on his spine on Valentine’s Day, so if you think about it say a little prayer for those two special people. Happy birthday T-Flo, hope your day is as fabulous as you are!

Yesterday morning started off rocky. Last night when we got home from church Hadley did not want to go to sleep and insisted on drinking milk, even though she drank a whole 8 oz on the drive home. Against my better judgment I gave into a 13 month old and gave her a little bit of milk in an attempt to lull her to sleep. It worked she fell asleep, but as I went to put her down she puked up the milk as well as what appeared to be her dinner. It was completely unexpected and completely covered me. I mean seriously, this girl likes to vomit. I guess she gets that from me, in my life time I have thrown up a lot, and it really isn’t a big deal to me. It just happens and she seems to be the same way, at least for now. Once I finally got her to sleep, she did sleep all night, which was a blessing! This morning, she wanted no part of waking up. Once it was time to get dressed and change her diaper she definitely wanted no part of that either. She does this really awesome of thing of head butting when she is mad and likes to rock her head back and forth in protest, it makes it hard to hold her and I think she knows that. So while she screamed bloody murder I was able to change her diaper, dress her, and even clean out her nose. I wasn’t going to attempt to fight the pig tail battle today!

She was fine in the car and fine while I was in her classroom at school, but the moment I turned to leave she started screaming. That is a new thing, she is really into screaming and she is VERY good at it; I mean it is a horrible and ugly scream and of course it is super loud. As I was leaving I heard her teachers say Hadley calm down…gee I sure am glad to know that I am not the only one that utters that phrase. She is ALL DRAMA, ALL THE TIME…go figure.

On a much nicer note, I have been hearing that new Kelly Clarkson song a lot lately, “What doesn’t kill you.” I first heard in on a Toyota commercial and loved it then, and then when the full version came on the radio, I REALLY loved it. I think it is just what I needed to hear at this point in my life-timing in everything. Here are the lyrics, followed by the fourth installment of 50 questions.

You know the bed feels warmer, sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color, and do the things I want
You think you got the best of me, think you had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone; Think you left me broken down; think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter, footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new, they told you I was moving on over you
You didn't think that I'd come back, I'd come back swinging
You tried to break me, but you see

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter, footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone


Thanks to you I got a new thing started. Thanks to you I'm not the broken hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking bout me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter, footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone



16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Because the feeling of being happy is so individualized. The way you feel happiness is different than the way I do, thus different things make us feel this way. For some people it is all about the small things, for others it takes over the top gestures.


17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? Paid off my debt. I am working on it, and it is almost done, but has taken years…I suppose my financial situation is holding me back, I only make so much!



18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Hurt and anger from my divorce- I think that says enough, divorce is never pretty; especially mine. It has done a number on my self esteem and such and I am not sure I have let it all go yet, but I have come a long way!

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? I have a fantasy in my mind of how gorgeous Boston is. I have never been there, but love the thought of the history, the gorgeous fall weather, etc. Really though, I love Texas and pretty much see myself living here the rest of my life.



20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? No, in fact I am the opposite. I press it once and assume that is sufficient, sometimes I don’t press hard enough and several minutes later realize the elevator isn’t coming…

Enjoy these pictures of Hadley and this comic I found from one of my favorite websites, The Oatmeal. Since I visited the dentist Monday I thought it was particularly fitting!

Back to our regularly scheduled program

The last week has been really rough. Hadley at one point or another each night has had sleep issues. Sometimes it is that she has a difficult time falling asleep, others it is that she is pretty upset in the middle of the night and is pretty hard to console. Needless to say; I have not been getting much sleep this week. It just has made this week seem extra long. Other than that though, it’s been a good week. Hadley is really into going into her room and picking out books for me to read to her, it is pretty special. She loves to grab a book, sit in my lap, and listen to me read- so we have made it a part of our bedtime routine; which is something I have tried several times in the past, but she was not too interested. Hopefully this is the start of a lifelong love of reading!
Last night started the spring installment of my moms’ bible study. I was pretty excited about it. It does make Wednesday afternoons/evenings a little busier than I prefer, but it is worth it. We have to rush though dinner, bath, and play time to make it out of the house by 6:15. I was excited to see the group of ladies again and see what topics we are covering this session. The theme of the study is perspective. Isn’t that how God is, I couldn’t think of anything more on the forefront of my mind. The speaker last night was the head of the Women’s ministry at the church and everything she said just hit home with me. Regardless of situations our perspective on each day is dictated by our choices, we can choose to make a good day or we can choose to wallow in self pity (I’ve been a bit guilty of that this week- you don’t have to tell me, I know). We read a verse from 2 Kings. The underlying message was once we clear room in our hearts and lives for God, then he will give us all we need more. So true, once we let go of control and let Him really work that is when we can really and truly see how AWESOME he is. I just think about my life the past year and a half and know that had it not been for my faith, I would be a miserable human being. It is amazing to think of all the blessings I have had in my life, He has literally picked me, dusted me off, and assured me I was loved and cared for. So I am just really excited to see where this study goes, I want to really focus in and learn a lot. PERSPECTIVE…I could definitely use some of that!
I was delighted to see that as soon as we walked through the door of the church two of the child care workers were there to greet Hadley. I go to a VERY LARGE church and to know that the people that see hundreds of kids each week, know my child’s name (these women haven’t seen her since November), it comforting on so many levels. Hadley had a blast playing on the indoor playground. She found a little girl about 5 to follow around. That little girl told me Hadley was copying her all night! I guess Hadley hasn’t really been around any “big” kids, especially girls.

Here is the third installment of 50 questions…
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? I would just love to say that no matter what all the time I would stand up and say something, but in the depths of my heart I am not 100% sure I would do that 100% of the time- this is one of those right things to do that I may not always do. I am one to get caught up in gossip sometimes, yes it is bad and ugly and I know that. If it is a good friend I know I would say something, as I have done several times in the past. However, if it isn’t a close friend I might just not say anything…now I feel bad, but I am being honest. Perhaps I should take a personal inventory right about now.



12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? That the world can be tough, and people can be mean. It is so vital to surround yourself with people that truly build you up and care about you.


13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? FOR SURE, without a second thought.

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? Yes this happens a lot in faculty meetings and workshops. A lot of times I might tune out because it seems repetitive and downright stupid; however, days later as it has sat in my mind I have my own little personal “A-ha” moment!



15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Trust people. I tend to be very trusting even after I have lied to; I rebuild trust pretty easily and forgive pretty easily. I don’t hold grudges really. I think that this is kind of a flaw and something that is slowly changing as it has burned me one too many times.

Thoughts...

Today is going to be a long post and it is mostly about me. Sorry, I have just been in a place of thinking a lot lately and just needed to get it out. I know several people read this blog to follow HADLEY and if that is you, it won’t hurt my feelings if you stop reading now- there will be a typical Hadley post tomorrow, I promise.

For the rest of you, I know the following probably will resemble rambling and that’s okay; my mind has been racing the last few weeks and the only thing I can think to do with that is put it on “paper.”

Maybe it’s because we are entering the month of Valentine’s Day, or perhaps it is just because of the events that have happened in my life as of lately. Whichever it is, I’ve been doing lots of thinking, in particular about relationships…more specifically about my relationships (or some might argue lack thereof). I grew up in a blended family. I do not have any recollection of my parents being together and with one exception I have never in my life seen my mom and dad fight. I have not even really heard the other speak an ill word of each other. I might even go out on a limb and say to some extent they respect each other, because at one point they were married and had a child together- so that should be expected, or so I think. Even my stepfather seems to have a good relationship with his ex-wife, they talk about their GROWN children when the need arises and can be civil to each other. Even more than that my mom, dad, and step dad can function together as family- for the most part everyone gets along and again understands that they all work together for the good of their common bond- me, their child.

This is my background; this is how I think things should be. I mean I am not living in a Utopian world; I am not dumb to the fact that there is on some level some, for lack of a better word, resentment there. I mean I think that is normal; no one enters a marriage thinking it will end in divorce. When one person decides it is over, regardless of how the other person feels, that does something to a person I can’t really explain. Clearly it hurts, but it is almost on a level you didn’t even know existed before that moment. So what is the point? There is one, trust me. I guess when I think about my own personal experience it makes me really sad that I have gone through a divorce, but you know what really is heart breaking, at least to me? When I think about the state of the LACK of RELATIONSHIP I have with my ex-husband, the father of my child. When I think about the amount of hostility and hate he seems to have towards me, it really makes me question a lot of things. Really and truly the anger confuses me, this divorce wasn’t my idea- it wasn’t what I wanted, but I did the work- I filed and went to court and got it done, so that we both could move on. All along I have been a bystander to his choices. It really makes me wonder if our marriage meant anything at all ever to him? When I really sit and think about it, I am not so sure, and I think that is what hurts a million times more than a divorce. Was I just someone to pass the time with until something more interesting came along? If I let myself sit and ponder it really takes my mind to a sad, depressing place, so I try not to do that.

Now though, as Hadley gets older, I worry a lot. I don’t know how to navigate this unfamiliar territory. I mean in my mind it doesn’t compute to not be able to have a mutual respect between two people that at one point loved each other enough to make a marriage commitment AND have a child together. I don’t know how to fix it or even at least attempt to make it look pretty on the outside.

As time marches on I just have to hope that the situation gets better, that at some point the two people that were once in love will be able to have some sort of positive relationship for the sake of our beautiful child. It’s been a year and it seems to continue to get worse, at what point will it start getting better? At what point will I actually feel like I will be able to look at Hadley and tell her without lying that at one point in time “mommy and daddy really each other at one point”? I can tell her how I felt, but really as I have learned in the past year that was really one sided. Divorce sucks, everyone knows that, but really it is like the gift that keeps on giving. Anytime I think about it, which isn’t all that often- I am raising a one year old, I don’t have a lot of time to think, but as I am approaching my second valentine’s day alone since my separation it seems to haunt the back of mind, it just really is bad. However, it hasn’t killed my spirit. I do believe in great love and I do believe that it just takes finding the right person to make it all make sense. I am hopeful that I will find love again, just as I am hopeful that one day I will be able to co-parent my child with her father as my partner, and that as a 28 year old woman Hadley will look back at her life and with all sincerity claim that she doesn’t remember ever seeing her parents fight and that even though she can’t remember them ever being together (because in her lifetime we sadly never were), but that she always knew they respected and cared for each other.



** The second installment of 50 Questions**



6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Easy, my job I have now. I LOVE my job. I am doing exactly what I have wanted to do since I was 12. I am working with kids, helping them make decisions that could very well impact the rest of their lives- how awesome is that? Plus I get a Spring Break, summer vacation, and Christmas break!

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? I am a person of convictions. I typically do what I believe in. I think for the most part I live each day according to my belief system and strive to model that for Hadley. I lived a life of settling and it was not fun, I didn’t smile nearly enough, I didn’t take time to enjoy small things, and I was just a very unhappy shell of a person. Because of that experience I am striving to live each day doing what I believe in. It’s pretty easy working in public education, because I believe in that SO MUCH!



8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I would definitely take more time to be around the people that I genuinely care about. I think too often the mundane every day stuff takes time away from time I could be spending with people I love.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? I would say quite a bit. There have been time that a divine intervention has taken place and taken me on a slightly different detour than I would have picked, but for the most part my life path actually pretty closely mirrors the path I had laid out for myself. I am certainly grateful for all the times that God put me in a place I never would have imagined or chosen for myself- it is those experiences most of the time that have made the biggest difference in my life!


10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? I like to do things right more than the average person I think, but when it comes down to it, it is definitely more important to do the right thing.