What to expect when expecting???

Two of my coworkers are currently pregnant, which has gotten me thinking a lot about lately about my own pregnancy. One of them is actually using my OB/GYN, which makes me think about those appointments too. I personally LOVED being pregnant…really I did. Sure I had morning sickness pretty bad for the first trimester, but overall it was a good experience. In retrospect it was great to have that to focus on in the midst of my life crumbling around me.

The other day I was recalling the night I was subjected to the magnesium drip. That was probably the worst night of my entire life. Hadley had just been released from the NICU the previous day, but the next morning, when my blood pressure was not going down, it was decided I would go back to labor and delivery and start the drip. It started out okay- my mom, Hadley, and I were in a pretty large room and we started out in pretty good spirits. Then it got a little scary. I started feeling (and acting) a little weird. I had a terrible headache and could not move my body. It was AWFUL. I ended up having to have lots of different tests done, a CAT scan, x-rays, several kidney test, and lots of blood work. It was pretty scary; I think it was even scarier for my mom who had to balance taking care of me and Hadley. Since I literally could not move, I couldn’t even hold my baby. I always was aware of how stressful/awful this time was, but it wasn’t until two days ago when I was retelling the story to my friend, that the ugly truth hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. My husband wasn’t there for ANY of it. That got me to thinking. I remember very clearly making a phone call to him to let him know how serious it was, how critical it was, and most of all how scary it was (literally death was a looming possibility), but for whatever reason, or whatever excuse he came up with then, he wasn’t there at all. Then I got to thinking about the events in the coming days. Literally on the phone with him, while I was in the ER with his 7 day old baby, in utter disbelief that he chose that moment to tell me he was in love with someone else and that that was where he needed to be then. I had high blood pressure and was close to a stroke, I am sure this is not what I needed to hear- at all. I am not saying this to be disparaging, because really it is simple recall of factual events.

While I got to thinking about it all, I didn’t dwell so much on the obvious unsettling nature of the events- that is something I have dealt with long ago, it is what it is- I am over being mad about it. I focused rather on how AWESOME my family was in those days. I mean literally had my mom not been there I would have been all alone. My dad drove up in the middle of the night. My stepfather took care of my dog and my apartment. I mean literally they stepped in and did EVERYTING that I was not able to do. I think about how amazingly good Hadley was in those days. I mean she has not been an easy baby for most of her life, but for some reason, she was PERFECT on those days while I was in the hospital, it truly was a blessing. Then I think about me…I mean I am always so good under stress- I am an emotional person by nature. I think about how those days made me relish every moment with Hadley. I am so lucky to have her; she was the light in the darkness. She really was.

It dawned on me that I should remember that when I am frustrated with her. She really gave me all my strength when I could have just completely fallen apart. I am extremely grateful for every event in my life good and bad because they make me who I am today. Yes, that is corny, but it is true.

I like to think about how far I have come in the past 20 months. I have dealt with more drama, more emotions, and more life changing events in that period of time than I have in my life. Really and truly I am a different person than I was 20 months ago. I am wiser, I am stronger, and I have a whole new purpose. I am a mother first and caring for Hadley and doing what is best for her trumps everything else. I have also learned so much more about what I want out of life. I have a whole new understanding of the environment in which I wish to live. These days, life is pretty simple. We have a routine and we kinda just swim along. It is nice. It is nice not to live in chaos, confusion, worry, dread, or panic. Things aren’t always easy, but I am in total control over what happens in my life. I am not a victim now, nor do I ever intend to put myself in a position in which I suffer because of someone else’s choices. I have total freedom in that regard.

At the end of the day, I get to kiss my beautiful baby, tell her good night and can fall asleep knowing I am doing the best I can for my child. I know that I provide her with security and love and that she is well taken care of. I know that while not everyone thought Hadley was the best idea or that the timing was off; she was the best idea at the exact right moment. It’s just funny, seeing other people pregnant just takes me back to that time in my life and it is so bizarre to think about how different EVERYTHING is now.