The black hole of my own creation...

*This post is entirely about me and NOT Hadley at all, so if you have come here to read about Hadley, come back tomorrow for that**

I want to preface what I am about to say with this, I am not looking for sympathy or reassurance, or to throw myself a pity party (although I am sure that is how it will come across) I am not really looking for anything. I simply need some sort of outlet to get all this out, I am hoping this post will be cathartic and once I have it all out, I can move on and resume life…

I am not quite sure what it, I can’t put a finger on it, but something is slowly dragging me deeper and deeper into a black hole of my own creation. I can’t remember the last time everything felt right or even okay. It just seems that is always something throwing me off- my health, my insecurities, my feelings of loneliness, resentment, anger, the feeling of always being two steps behind. I am not an optimistic person by nature. I am good at finding the positive in any given situation for others, but not so great at doing that for myself. I try REALLY hard to have a positive outlook on life and to be positive and for bursts of a time I actually am able to that, but it isn’t long lasting. In fact, when I stop and think about it, it just seems like I am failing in one area of my life or another at any given point.

I am tired of just “getting by,” heck I barely even do that. I am so ready for the day that I am not living paycheck to paycheck, I know that in a few short months I will FINALLY be done with paying off debt and will be able to start some sort of a savings plan (one for myself and one for Hadley’s future). It hasn’t been easy the past four years to pay it all down by myself, but I will be really proud when I have. Now that the end is near, I am even more impatient for the days that in a matter of seconds 1/3 of my paycheck disappears, I am ready to stop being the girl worrying about money. It is a pain to me, and a pain to others.

I slowly look around and notice my friendships aren’t anywhere were they should be, and you know why? Because I don’t make the effort I should. I am grateful for the friends that have stuck around despite my minimal effort- but I have several friendships that are a decade or older that I simply do the minimum to keep up, if that. I get so wrapped up in my own life and use that an excuse to slack and it isn’t. Sadly at the end of the work day most days I just want to go home, get through my nightly routine with Hadley and go to sleep…this is how I know that I am slowly sinking in to a depression, I just can’t get enough sleep. I go to bed early and STILL wake up tired. I can feel myself putting up walls and pushing people away. It is a coping mechanism that got me through the roughest time of the last few years…I am not good at hiding my feelings, so I have to push people away so no one will know something is wrong. It is not something I enjoy doing or am proud of, and I am hoping that recognizing it will help me STOP IT. I also feel that if I am constantly complaining or venting to friends that I will be a burden. I am well aware that my life contains more drama than most people ever hope to see in their lifetime and many don’t wish to listen to me drone on and on about it…I get that. I get tired of dealing with all- it can be exhausting.

I am frustrated that I go to the gym almost every single day and I don’t feel like I have any visible results. My clothes aren’t any looser, the scale doesn’t show a smaller number, I am not sure what is going on- this is probably why I never worked out before. I just wish I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. I don’t think anyone would look at me and guess I go to the gym 5-6 times a week- I know I wouldn’t.

There are lots of areas in parenting I feel I am falling short. I am doing the best I can and at the end of the day, that is all I can do. I am BEYOND thankful for Hadley, because even in this funk, she is the ONE THING that keeps me going. I have to be strong for her, I am all she has on most days and I can’t let her down. It just in those hours that she goes to bed and I am up by myself that I feel alone, not always, but sometimes and it just feels like a punch in the stomach… Then when I think about how down I am feeling, then it is clear that in this state I am not a person that anyone would want to have a relationship with, why can’t I just get over it??? This is where resentment begins to fester. There were two people involved in my divorce and only one of us appears to be suffering and/or struggling…what is that about? I am finally at a point that I am over it, I really am. I am not the angry, resentful, bitter person I was a year ago. I just wish that things were different for the sake of Hadley and that is not something I will ever stop fighting for.

Now that I have whined for a bit, I actually feel better. I know that I am in a far better position than many, and I have a lot to be thankful/grateful for- I am lucky in so many ways. I do have a great job, a wonderful support system of family and friends, a BRILLANT daughter, and I have food and electricity every night. It is not all doom and gloom over here. I am just going through a rut- hoping there is something more out there, I just need a good kick in the pants and it will all be good. I am starting a bible study next week with a group of single moms. I am hoping this mix of fellowship from women in similar situations as me and dedicating time to actually do a bible study will be a step in the right direction. It will all be good, I know it will be. Life is full of peak and valleys, and I am in the valley for a brief stint, but I am on my way up! Sometimes I just need to purge all the negative energy out, thanks for reading…