Long sigh...

Today is the day, the day I have waited for since probably spring break- it is my last day of work until August 1st. That’s right, that’s 6 full weeks of not working. Honestly though, I will be coming in to work off and on, but I don’t have to and I can wear shorts, so I guess that’s a plus! I am pretty darn excited to walk out of this school today and not think about GPAs, schedules, transcripts, bullying, etc. Although in truth I have my work email on my phone and will most likely get at least one email related to at least of those items at least once a day. I just can’t unplug completely. I am not complaining, there is a sick part of me that likes it, it makes me feel helpful and I like that.

As I sort of mentioned earlier in the week, I have been in a funk. I wasn’t going to write about it in my blog, but not that is seems to no longer be an issue, I guess I can. About two months ago, I met a guy. A guy I thought was pretty great, actually. As trite and stupid as it sounds, that just made me kind of float on air for a while. I thought maybe, finally I had found a person I could go on dates with, a person that I could spend time with, a person that maybe, just maybe might one day meet my child and somehow fit into mine and Hadley’s life (I want to stop right now and say that in two months, I did not bring this person around my child, in fact I rarely even talked about her, as I just DO NOT agree with bringing the kids into the mix until you are sure it is an important relationship- I DO NOT want Hadley to get used to someone, only for it not to work out. I think that is confusing and it something I feel so incredibly strong about, it is just my opinion). ANYWAY, going through a divorce and separation, all while being pregnant and ultimately raising a baby on my own, has made me have some very strong opinions about what I want and what I don’t. I have put up with a lot of bad and have learned several lessons about what is okay and what isn’t. I told myself to just keep things light and easy, I told myself not to get excited, I reminded myself over and over again if I didn’t do those two things, this could ultimately end up leaving me pretty upset…but of course, I ignored all of those inner voices, I told myself, “I got this…”

What I didn’t know, what I couldn’t have known, was what dating would be like after the fall out of a marriage; a marriage in which there was lots of betrayal , anger, and worst of all hurt. I knew the divorce did a number on my self-image/esteem, just overall confidence, but it really made me question EVERYTHING. I have very little trust, I am so afraid I am going to do something wrong. It just isn’t fair. I mean logically I know that I am a nice person, I feel like I have several great qualities and KNOW that someday someone is going to feel lucky to be with me, but the first attempt after the divorce, just left me feeling crazy. I question everything, I have completely lost my inability to just go with the flow…it pisses me off!!! So I am pretty sure my newfound craziness (well I am not going to say I didn’t have a little crazy before), has ruined any chance of anything working out in this situation, which really bums me out. I did learn a lot about myself in the process. I definitely see my weaknesses and know what I need to change if I ever want the chance to be successful in any relationship. It just made me realize dating sucks…this is why I wanted to get married 5 years ago, I am just not a good dater. I like stability, I like the everyday mundane life together…I don’t know what that says about me. I just know plenty of single moms that have no problem dating, it seems as soon as one relationship is over, they have several prospects waiting, and that just has never been me.

So here I am, wondering what lies ahead for me and Hadley. I know that I don’t need a man in my life to be happy, but it sure would be nice to have someone to share the details of the day with, someone to call when something exciting/awful happens, a partner to share every aspect of life with. I am not in a hurry, I am going to be patient; I suppose now I am just a little disappointed this first rattle out of the box didn’t go as well as I would have liked, but it was a learning experience if nothing else…

Wisdom Wednesday

Today I had the pleasure of getting together with my good friend/former coworker/ personal counselor. We had a late lunch at Denny's.

God definitely knew what he was doing when he put her in my life! There wasn't too many great things about my time in Athens, but I got a life long friend out of the deal! I can't even express in words how awesome it is to have a person in my life that has pretty much been through everything I have been though, and is excellent at listening and giving advice and guidance. I always know we will have much to talk about, and always look forward to catching up. She is raising two teenage boys and while I think I hear it all in my counseling office, it is always interesting to hear a first hand account of the adventures in parenting two teens; I am glad that is a few years away! Today was exactly what I needed, 13 is my lucky number and I knew today would be a good day and it was! Tomorrow is my last official day of work, which is exciting, even though I am going in twice next week...oh well, luckily I mostly enjoy my job! I am so ready for the summer and the adventures that lie ahead!

Thoughts on a Tuesday...

I am not quite sure what it is, but I feel like I have been in some sort of a haze for a while lately. I have been on a few new meds, that make me feel off, maybe a little moody, and bloated…that makes for an awful combination. I have been feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and above all tired. I just haven’t felt like 100% me in a while and it bums me out. I mean I am not depressed or anything, but I just feel really out of it, more like disconnected. My life has become extremely regimented, and I am not sure how I feel about that. I have by no means ever considered myself to be spontaneous or anything anywhere close to that. I have always been a planner and being a single mom has only put that into overdrive, but you know every single week night is the same, heck every single work day is the same. I suppose I am in a rut. I am hoping that after Thursday, my last scheduled work day until August 1st, that the time off and freedom will change all that. I also know that I am going crazy in my mind thinking about all that unstructured time; I need to find activities, play dates, and outings, to fill our time. I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t! BLAH…I just need someone or something to light a fire under me. I am hoping that as Hadley gets older and involved in activities, it will shake things up a bit. I am just a person that likes to have SOMETHING to do ALL the time. Downtime kills me, I suppose that is why I have taken summer school classes from the time I was in 10th grade until now…if I am not busy I get bored and cranky!

Speaking of activities, swimming lessons are going to be the death of me. I am thinking this is just not the right time for Hadley. With her recent and sudden fear of water, I thought/hoped that perhaps this would possibly get her used to the idea of being in the water, but she doesn’t seem to be getting acclimated, in fact she screams the entire time. I am just fearful I am doing more harm than good, so I think that we might discontinue them for now and perhaps continue to attempt trips to the pool with a floaty or something similar…she will come around eventually, in her time. I do really want to start gymnastics in July, because I feel pretty confident that running around and all that jazz will be RIGHT up her ally. I just want her to have experiences and interactions with other kids. I want to raise a well rounded kiddo that develops interest in extracurricular activities, so I will do my part and expose her to as much as I can, and let her decide what she likes and what she doesn’t; because I am certain my child will have no problem discerning what she likes and what she doesn’t….

Two more days of work, and a few more days around town, then I head to Humble for two weeks, for some family time, girlfriend time, and of course my ten year reunion. In a lot of ways it seems like there is no way it has been ten years, but at the same time in lots of ways it feels like a lifetime ago. A lot has happened in my life in ten years; in a lot of ways I am so different, but I think in many ways I am pretty much the same…I am just looking forward to catching up with everyone!

Man, it's Monday again!!

After a nice weekend with my family, it was time to go in for my last week of work until August. Let me rephrase, the last week I have to be there, as it turns out will probably be making some cameo appearances at school
In July, just to ensure smooth sailing come August. Things at work have been busy and I am ready for the break. Hadley is still going to be going to daycare Monday, Wednesdays, as Fridays on the weeks we are in town, so as to stay in routine. In July she moves up to the next class, no more baby class; how sad is that. I will mostly be sad to leave Ms. Claire- the baby room has seen several teachers, but she has been a constant, and land she is an amazing lady. I am sure she will still visit Hadley, they are good ably that there, all the teachers seem to know all the kids. While I am sad that she is leaving the baby class, it sounds like several of her friends that have been with her the whole time she has been there will be moving up with her, which makes me feel better, that's one less change. I am also pretty excited because in the next class, they start potty training; I am so glad that we are about to start the path to no diapers. I am honestly not sure she is really ready, but am glad that someone will w working with her daily to get used to the idea. It takes a village....

As I mentioned, Hadley got a new car seat, and since she is well over the height and weight requirements for it, she is forward facing. It is a whole new world to be able to turn around and see her face. She seems so much happier too. I am thinking that since spends nearly an hour in the car each day, I might want to invest in a DVD player for the car and some educational veggie tales or her new interest Dora DVDs....

Weekend wrap up

Four day work weeks started this week, so I had an extra long weekend. Thursday, since my parents were in town, I got to get some much needed girl time in with Farrah and Jill, we had fun as we usually do, and I had a conversation that made me look at things a bit differently...

Friday we just hung around the house and played. We boiled shrimp and played some more.

Saturday morning I had to go give the ACT test, while my mom stayed with Hadley. When I got home we ran some errands, including getting Hadley a new car seat, it was time and she seems happier in it!

Sunday my parents left pretty early, and Hadley and I spent the day lounging and cleaning, getting ready for the week ahead. It was a pretty low key weekend, but a good one nonetheless!!

And the world's worst mother of the year is...

Me! Tonight's swimming lessons were a disaster! It was thundering, so we couldn't get in the water, and rather than leaving, we met with the teacher who talked for about 10 mins. He is a nice older man, a retired Dallas ISD kindergarten teacher. I knew this wouldn't go well. Hadley doesn't like being held in public places, where it's much more fun to run around. I literally used every ounce of my being to hold her while he talked. I walked away from the group, but still got awful looks. I know what they are thinking, why can't she control her kid?!?! She is an awful mother. The worst looks came from a dad, as if to say my wide would never allow my child to behave that way. Afterwards the teacher was really nice, he said she is really young and just wants to get in the pool. Hr gave her a little ball and like magic, she stopped crying!

The moment I was in the car, I started crying...what is wrong with me?? Why is my child so bad sometimes. I do everything they suggest, I try so many different approaches, and still these meltdowns happens. I know they are unavoidable, but when they happen in public, it literally is the worst feeling I have ever experienced! It makes me feel like a failure in a way nothing else ever has... Hopefully tomorrow will be better...

We're swimming...

From the time was she was born, Hadley was my little water baby from the day she was born. At 6 months, she loved to be in the pool, she never fought baths. So I was super excited to sign her up for swimming lessons, I thought you would LOVE it.

Flash forward to last week, out of nowhere, she developed a strong feat of water. My child who used to run to the bath at bath time, suddenly had full fledge melt downs complete with screaming at bath time. So clearly, I started to worry about how it would go...mostly because I had visions of being the mom with the screaming out of control baby!

So we get to the pool today and it starts really well. She excitedly points and smiles at the pool saying "wawa." They tell us where we will be and tell us to go on and get in the pool- so we do. Once in the water she is a little unsure at first. Shortly after a little boy starts getting upset, so naturally Hadley follows suit. We start walking around the pool splashing and such, the teacher is making the rounds talking to each tot, of which Hadley is easily the youngest. This calms her down and she is okay. Until they ask us to try to get them on their back in float position. Umm..there is no way that's gonna fly with Hadley. So we just splash around which she seems to enjoy. Shortly after a radio comes out and Hadley begins boogieing down. At this point it dawns on me. These lessons might not necessarily teach Hadley a whole lot about swimming, but it can be a time for us to have some fun mommy/Hadley time and at the very least will help her get comfortable in the water...I am excited to go back and do it again tomorrow!!