Mothers' Day Weekend

This weekend didn't go exactly as I had planned. Friday Hadley and I drove into Humble, it took longer than usual on account of Hadley not being too happy and an accident that had us in standstill traffic.

Saturday morning we journeyed over to my dad's for his birthday we spent several hours visiting with my dad and it was nice. We headed back to my mom's and then headed back out to get my mom's mother day gift- portraits of the three of us. Several hours later we had some great pictures, but it was QUITE the experience. We had a delicious dinner Saturday night and went to bed without any excitement.

Mothers' day Hadley actually slept past 7, it was great. We got up had breakfast, opened gifts ( I got the Pioneer Woman cookbooks!!!) and within an hour I started feeling awful. It didn't take long for me to realize I wasn't going to be able to drive home, heck I could barely get off the couch. My chrons disease was flaring up big time; it was very painful! While it wasn't the best mothers' day for me, it made me extremely thankful for my mom. She didn't even hesitate to take over Hadley duty while I took up camp on the bathroom floor! It was awful, but it made it so much easier knowing my mom was there to take care of my baby.

While I'm not back to 100% I am feeling a lot better. We made the drive home in good time, which was great. So now I am gearing up for scholarship night Thursday. Hopefully I make it through this week without any awful flare ups!

Tired Thursday...

The past few nights have been a NIGHTMARE! They both have gone pretty much the same. Hadley appears REALLY tired as in is so tired she can barely stay awake in during her bath. So I quickly bathe her and get her dressed for bed and within 20 minutes she is passed out. So I put her down and go about my usual nighttime routine: read my daily devotional, eat a snack, read a chapter in my book, catch up on some tv (pretty exciting, right?). So about an hour into her sleep, Hadley wakes up, and it isn’t as if she just wakes up, she wakes up ANGRY. As in screaming and kicking and throwing a full blown tantrum. She doesn’t want to be held, she doesn’t want to be in her crib, she doesn’t want ANYTHING. I can’t find anything that will make her happy. I try singing, listening to Adele, watching TV, reading, a snack, a drink- NOTHING. She just wants to scream like a crazy person and throw herself about on the floor and occasionally get up and run up and down the hall.

This goes on for a good two and half hours before she eventually just passes out. It is the worst thing I have ever experienced. I am sure my neighbors think I am torturing her, she just screams and cries and it is awful. Ultimately I end up crying, because there I am helpless, I can’t figure out what is wrong; I can’t find what anything to soothe her. I think a lot of it is teething, but no amount of Tylenol or other teething remedies seems to make anything better. She gets pretty violent- pulls my hair, bangs her head on furniture, the floor, her crib, anything really. She just has a fiery hot temper that worries me. I just see lots of battles in which she take the stance that “nobody tells me what to do,” and I can tell you exactly where she gets that… I just hope that tonight goes better.

It hurts my heart to see her so upset and there is literally NOTHING I can do about it. I feel like it is a big test, one that I am failing miserably, but this too shall pass, right????

Here are some pictures I took before the meltdown, enjoying blueberries for dessert and singing the “itsy, bitsy spider.”

A brain dump...

Okay this has been several days in the making. Things in my neck of the woods have been more stressful than I typically care for. I have a lot going on at work; Hadley is cutting molars which is making her sick, and just a whole other slew of issues I won’t be going into right now. I apologize if this is heavy or upsetting, but I have had these things circling around in my head and I HAVE to get them out.

I wish there was a way I could make people understand that sometimes people don’t change. How many chances does one get?? This is a serious question. I feel I am a very understanding, almost to a fault sometimes. I want to believe the best in people, and have done that for longer in some cases than any rational thinking human being would be expected to. I think it is amazing how quickly people forget the events that have transpired in the past few years, months, weeks…It is always easier to make me the bad guy then to actually do some self reflection and see that perhaps you have made yourself the bad guy…food for thought.

Additionally, in my job and in my life, I have come across several instances in which parents enable their children. I love my child dearly, but I know that eventually in her life she will be an adult, and she will get herself into situations, situations I may not like. While I will be there to help her as best I can, I will not and cannot continue to “fix” everything for her well into her adult life. How does that help her learn responsibility? How does that ever hold her accountable? At what point is it okay to cross the line into unethical behavior, never if you ask me. I believe in second chances and of course everyone makes mistakes, but at some point when someone makes the same mistake OVER AND OVER AGAIN, then maybe it is time to understand that you are simply wasting your time and efforts. I know this, and you can mark my words, I will not make excuses for my child if she continually acts in a way that hurts others or if she lives in a world completely void of responsibility. At that point GOOD PARENTING is to let your child experience the natural consequences, then perhaps they can learn and grow, rather than living in a vicious cycle in which they EXPECT that their parents will go behind them to clean up their mess…this helps no one.

Parenting involves a lot more than money and it is insulting to me that ANYONE would think I am motivated by money. I want my daughter to live a life in which she has every opportunity possible, she deserves that. I can do my best to provide that for her, and luckily I am in a position to more than adequately meet her NEEDS; however, money is a SINGLE factor in this whole parenting thing.

This whole car seat thing has me STRESSED. It is RECOMMENDED (AKA the safest) for babies to remain rear facing until 35 pounds (or more depending on the car seat). Hadley is currently rear facing, because after reading the gruesome stories of internal decapitation from forward facing car seats I am just not ready to risk it. However, many times I have a heck of a time convincing her to sit down, specifically when I pick her up from daycare. There are not many instances in which she forward faces, the only time she does is when she is not with me, but I fear it is the knowledge that you can forward face that makes her want to fight for it. She is a strong little lady and no joke sometimes is takes me the upwards of 20 minutes to get her in the seat- it wears me out. I just have to remember her safety is all that matters at the end of the day, and I would feel awful if anything happened to her simply because it was easier for me to turn her around.

Life seems to just pass me by. I go through each day, deal with drama that unfolds with each new day, and go to bed…I just feel really disconnected from a lot of things and people. I have a few really good things, exciting things that are going on in my life, but after each day I just don’t feel like I have the energy or capacity to even try to focus on those things, and that really depresses me. I have got to get out of this, or else I am just going to miss the things that lie ahead of me, because I am too involved in the present or worst the past.

Summer is almost here, I am determined to have fun. I want to have time to spend with all of my friends. I want to get in some good quality family time, I want to get Hadley involved in activities and outings, I want to take care of myself and feel happy and carefree. I want life to be simple and enjoyable. That is what I want for life, not just for the summer. I am confident that someday it will be. I am constantly in prayer for guidance and to help me make decisions that are best not just for me, but for Hadley. If you are the praying type I definitely invite you to pray for us over the next few months, you can never have too much prayer!

Lately...

This past weekend, I did have long standing plans to attend a friend's birthday party; however, last minute those plans were changed. Hadley wasn't feeling well Friday, so I got her from daycare, and decided we would head to my mom's for the weekend, because she would never turn down an opportunity to see Hadley. Plus, my step brother's oldest son was having his 5th birthday party and I hadn't seen any of that part of the family in at least five months. So we made the trip, which wasn't bad at all. Friday we just played outside and went to bed early- driving makes me tired. Saturday we went to the party that was at a kids gym type place. It was fun, Hadley had a blast dancing, playing, and running around. It was fun, but keeping up with Hadley sure is tiring! That afternoon we played some more, Hadley played in her little pool in the backyard, last year all she could do was lay there, this year she can splash, kick, and get in and out- the difference a year makes. We headed home Sunday.

That night Hadley felt really warm, I gave her some Tylenol, which helped for a little bit. She felt feverish at 5am, but according to my thermometer she was fever free. So I took her into day care late and everything seemed fine.

At 350, I get a call from daycare that she has a 102 fever. So I immediately call the doctor, who luckily has an urgent clinic from 4-9 and we get a 630 appointment. After some test all they can tell us is it's a virus. Her temperature peeked at 104, which is pretty high! I stayed home with her today, because day care wouldn't let her come in. She is doing a lot better. I think it really was teething and not a virus. It's been pretty nice to just have a whole day to play and read and nap together! Here's hoping the worst is behind us!

Looooooong sigh

This week has gone by really quickly, until today. I think I've been on a bit of a high lately. Lots of things has been going my way and I've just felt really happy. Today I just feel like it's all starting to fall apart. Nothing specifically happened, I guess the "high" is over. I don't know I'm not really an optimist, so perhaps I am at the point of thinking it is all too good to be true. Evidently I have a hard time trusting people, and that is new. I've always been extremely trusting almost to a fault, and I guess here in the aftermath of my marriage it appears that is just something else I've lost- even when there is no reason not to trust a person or situation, my mind goes a million miles a minute with what if's...I DO NOT like it.

There were a lot of things not so great about today. My plans have been changed and I don't like that, and I spent my morning talking to about 10 seniors that most likely will not graduate. The same 10 seniors I have been chasing after all year, and you know what they don't care or they don't seem to get it. One is pregnant and really should get it, but doesn't. It crushes my heart to see such apathetic young adults. I mean I am just at a loss of what to do...it makes ME feel like a failure, but my logic tells me I can't make them care.

In totally unrelated news, Hadley had blueberry pancakes and fresh blueberries for dinner last nigh and she loved it. Today she wore a dress to school and was adorable. Also we have crickets in the apartment, evidently....they are freakin loud all night and I can't find them to remove them from my house...it's not a good situation.

One of my favorite students and a very talented artist, gave me a painting today for "all my help" this year. I am not one in it for recognition or anything, but it was nice and it's a beautiful painting...

So ready for the weekend...scratch that ready for summer!!! I'm signing Hadley up for a mom and tot swim class tomorrow. It's two weeks, but I am just excited to get her in the water, she loved the pool last year and she was only a wee little baby- I anticipate everything will be more fun this summer!!!

Half way there...

Wednesday, already? It is hard to believe that the week is almost half way over. I guess things have just been so chaotic lately, that the days just fly by. This morning Hadley very clearly said mommy; previously it had been more of a meme, but this morning it is mommy, she kept saying it too, and it made me smile- nothing is better than that sweet little voice calling me her mommy!
Go, Diego Go comes on Nick jr in the morning from 6-7. I had it on the other day while I was getting her dressed and ready and she really liked it, so it has been incorporated into our morning routine now, a little change is a good thing.
The strangest thing happened today. A former student/drop out from 2 years ago (before I was here), came in with her mom. The student was VERY pregnant. The mom then goes on to tell me that she is labor and needs to get Medicaid and to get that they were told she needed a transcript as proof that she was in school…I am pretty sure this was something that should have crossed your mind prior to the moment that you went into labor, a pregnancy last nine months last I checked…people never cease to amaze me.
I have made a bacon ranch chicken dish in the Crockpot for dinner this week, and it is REALLY good. It’s a keeper. I love Crockpot meals, nothing is better than a meal cooking while I work! It is pretty nice to come home to a house that is filled with the delicious aroma of dinner. Speaking of dinner Hadley is crazy about blueberries, she just can’t enough of those things! She has gotten pretty good about getting them in her mouth WITHOUT staining her shirt, so that’s a good thing!
I think I may have created a monster. This morning Hadley brought me the camera, she clearly wanted me to take her picture or really she wanted me to turn it on so she could take a picture of herself. She is obsessed with pictures of herself, she just loves to look at them and say baby, over and over again…

Thoughts on a Tuesday

The past week and a half has been quite a whirlwind; there has just been a lot going on. It is just the end of the school year and testing, and almost summer which means fun times with friends and outings with Hadley. Even though I’ve been super busy, I have learned several things in the past two weeks, so I thought it would make a list of them, because if you know nothing else about me, surely you have caught on that I love a good ole bulleted list!

• Every once in a while I am right, and while I am not going to gloat; I do like to hear that I was in fact correct, every once in a while- who doesn’t?!?!
• Sometimes different is really refreshing
• Dorrito’s and Mayo, that’s all I have to say about that one…
• Some people think it okay to lie; I really can’t think of any scenario in which lying is the best option…EVER. It sucks when you want to assume people are mostly good and honest.
• Hadley is the happiest 16 month old I know!!
• Being a testing coordinator would be the worst job on the planet, AKA Hell on Earth
• I am super excited about the changes that will be happening in the counseling office next year; I can already tell Kristi and are going to make a fabulous team!
• It is remarkable how predictable some people are
• A good conversation has a way of making me smile, it’s nice!
• You never know who will come into your life or for what purpose; it’s amazing how things work out; when I stop plotting and planning, everything seems to fall into place
• I can eat a whole pint of strawberries in one sitting, I am not proud, but it just happened so quickly, they are SOOOO good!
• After a week of going to the gym 5 days last week, I am finding that maybe I kind of like the routine of going and that seeing the scale SLOWLY show me smaller numbers is nice. I am not so much concerned with what it says, but I do want to look good, especially in a bathing suit
• I actually wore a bathing suit this weekend, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought
• Some people are just genuinely good people
• The Kathy show is hilarious; I literally laugh out loud watching it
• I actually read a whole book last week, I have missed reading for fun, I am going to make this a habit!
• Thinks it is beyond hilarious that people seem to think I have all kinds of money and worse that my parents are paying for everything I have. Um, let’s set the record straight, I am doing it ONE HUNDRED PERCENT on my own- thank you very much. Oh and you are right I might have a lot more money if I wasn’t footing the bill for lots of debt that I didn’t get all by myself. Get a freakin clue! Unlike some, I am capable of taking care of myself and do not rely on others, I am not pathetic.
• Oh if you think that is directed at you, it is…
• Lots of reflection upon the past year or so has been quite enlightening. I am not mad or bitter at all, because my child loves me and is happy and thriving, thanks to those people that are consistently in her life…
• God will always take care of me, He just will!