And then it rained...

I was hoping to come here today posting tons of cute pictures of Hadley from the pumpkin patch from this weekend, but it rained and rained- so that didn't happen.

Instead, while my mom was here go help me, we took Hadley to get a much needed haircut. We went to the same person we went to the first time, and were hoping for similar results, but almost two hours later that wasn't the case! It was all good until the cape went on and then she lost it. We had to stop and start several times...it was stressful, but finally got taken care of. Hadley is just very opposed to anything that she perceives to be restraining her. After that fun, we went and got Hadley a new pair of shoes- silver sequined Mary Janes, very cute.

I also managed to squeeze in a baby shower and make a huge pot of taco soup this weekend. It was pretty much a weekend in, due to the rain, but a good one nonetheless; and the Aggies beat the hell outta Arkansas, so that didn't hurt either :)

More pictures from the weekend

The black hole of my own creation...

*This post is entirely about me and NOT Hadley at all, so if you have come here to read about Hadley, come back tomorrow for that**

I want to preface what I am about to say with this, I am not looking for sympathy or reassurance, or to throw myself a pity party (although I am sure that is how it will come across) I am not really looking for anything. I simply need some sort of outlet to get all this out, I am hoping this post will be cathartic and once I have it all out, I can move on and resume life…

I am not quite sure what it, I can’t put a finger on it, but something is slowly dragging me deeper and deeper into a black hole of my own creation. I can’t remember the last time everything felt right or even okay. It just seems that is always something throwing me off- my health, my insecurities, my feelings of loneliness, resentment, anger, the feeling of always being two steps behind. I am not an optimistic person by nature. I am good at finding the positive in any given situation for others, but not so great at doing that for myself. I try REALLY hard to have a positive outlook on life and to be positive and for bursts of a time I actually am able to that, but it isn’t long lasting. In fact, when I stop and think about it, it just seems like I am failing in one area of my life or another at any given point.

I am tired of just “getting by,” heck I barely even do that. I am so ready for the day that I am not living paycheck to paycheck, I know that in a few short months I will FINALLY be done with paying off debt and will be able to start some sort of a savings plan (one for myself and one for Hadley’s future). It hasn’t been easy the past four years to pay it all down by myself, but I will be really proud when I have. Now that the end is near, I am even more impatient for the days that in a matter of seconds 1/3 of my paycheck disappears, I am ready to stop being the girl worrying about money. It is a pain to me, and a pain to others.

I slowly look around and notice my friendships aren’t anywhere were they should be, and you know why? Because I don’t make the effort I should. I am grateful for the friends that have stuck around despite my minimal effort- but I have several friendships that are a decade or older that I simply do the minimum to keep up, if that. I get so wrapped up in my own life and use that an excuse to slack and it isn’t. Sadly at the end of the work day most days I just want to go home, get through my nightly routine with Hadley and go to sleep…this is how I know that I am slowly sinking in to a depression, I just can’t get enough sleep. I go to bed early and STILL wake up tired. I can feel myself putting up walls and pushing people away. It is a coping mechanism that got me through the roughest time of the last few years…I am not good at hiding my feelings, so I have to push people away so no one will know something is wrong. It is not something I enjoy doing or am proud of, and I am hoping that recognizing it will help me STOP IT. I also feel that if I am constantly complaining or venting to friends that I will be a burden. I am well aware that my life contains more drama than most people ever hope to see in their lifetime and many don’t wish to listen to me drone on and on about it…I get that. I get tired of dealing with all- it can be exhausting.

I am frustrated that I go to the gym almost every single day and I don’t feel like I have any visible results. My clothes aren’t any looser, the scale doesn’t show a smaller number, I am not sure what is going on- this is probably why I never worked out before. I just wish I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. I don’t think anyone would look at me and guess I go to the gym 5-6 times a week- I know I wouldn’t.

There are lots of areas in parenting I feel I am falling short. I am doing the best I can and at the end of the day, that is all I can do. I am BEYOND thankful for Hadley, because even in this funk, she is the ONE THING that keeps me going. I have to be strong for her, I am all she has on most days and I can’t let her down. It just in those hours that she goes to bed and I am up by myself that I feel alone, not always, but sometimes and it just feels like a punch in the stomach… Then when I think about how down I am feeling, then it is clear that in this state I am not a person that anyone would want to have a relationship with, why can’t I just get over it??? This is where resentment begins to fester. There were two people involved in my divorce and only one of us appears to be suffering and/or struggling…what is that about? I am finally at a point that I am over it, I really am. I am not the angry, resentful, bitter person I was a year ago. I just wish that things were different for the sake of Hadley and that is not something I will ever stop fighting for.

Now that I have whined for a bit, I actually feel better. I know that I am in a far better position than many, and I have a lot to be thankful/grateful for- I am lucky in so many ways. I do have a great job, a wonderful support system of family and friends, a BRILLANT daughter, and I have food and electricity every night. It is not all doom and gloom over here. I am just going through a rut- hoping there is something more out there, I just need a good kick in the pants and it will all be good. I am starting a bible study next week with a group of single moms. I am hoping this mix of fellowship from women in similar situations as me and dedicating time to actually do a bible study will be a step in the right direction. It will all be good, I know it will be. Life is full of peak and valleys, and I am in the valley for a brief stint, but I am on my way up! Sometimes I just need to purge all the negative energy out, thanks for reading…

Pictures from the weekend...

These are the pics off my phone; I left the real camera at my mom's house...oops! We came in to go to my cousin Justin's wedding...

What to expect when expecting???

Two of my coworkers are currently pregnant, which has gotten me thinking a lot about lately about my own pregnancy. One of them is actually using my OB/GYN, which makes me think about those appointments too. I personally LOVED being pregnant…really I did. Sure I had morning sickness pretty bad for the first trimester, but overall it was a good experience. In retrospect it was great to have that to focus on in the midst of my life crumbling around me.

The other day I was recalling the night I was subjected to the magnesium drip. That was probably the worst night of my entire life. Hadley had just been released from the NICU the previous day, but the next morning, when my blood pressure was not going down, it was decided I would go back to labor and delivery and start the drip. It started out okay- my mom, Hadley, and I were in a pretty large room and we started out in pretty good spirits. Then it got a little scary. I started feeling (and acting) a little weird. I had a terrible headache and could not move my body. It was AWFUL. I ended up having to have lots of different tests done, a CAT scan, x-rays, several kidney test, and lots of blood work. It was pretty scary; I think it was even scarier for my mom who had to balance taking care of me and Hadley. Since I literally could not move, I couldn’t even hold my baby. I always was aware of how stressful/awful this time was, but it wasn’t until two days ago when I was retelling the story to my friend, that the ugly truth hit me in the face like a ton of bricks. My husband wasn’t there for ANY of it. That got me to thinking. I remember very clearly making a phone call to him to let him know how serious it was, how critical it was, and most of all how scary it was (literally death was a looming possibility), but for whatever reason, or whatever excuse he came up with then, he wasn’t there at all. Then I got to thinking about the events in the coming days. Literally on the phone with him, while I was in the ER with his 7 day old baby, in utter disbelief that he chose that moment to tell me he was in love with someone else and that that was where he needed to be then. I had high blood pressure and was close to a stroke, I am sure this is not what I needed to hear- at all. I am not saying this to be disparaging, because really it is simple recall of factual events.

While I got to thinking about it all, I didn’t dwell so much on the obvious unsettling nature of the events- that is something I have dealt with long ago, it is what it is- I am over being mad about it. I focused rather on how AWESOME my family was in those days. I mean literally had my mom not been there I would have been all alone. My dad drove up in the middle of the night. My stepfather took care of my dog and my apartment. I mean literally they stepped in and did EVERYTING that I was not able to do. I think about how amazingly good Hadley was in those days. I mean she has not been an easy baby for most of her life, but for some reason, she was PERFECT on those days while I was in the hospital, it truly was a blessing. Then I think about me…I mean I am always so good under stress- I am an emotional person by nature. I think about how those days made me relish every moment with Hadley. I am so lucky to have her; she was the light in the darkness. She really was.

It dawned on me that I should remember that when I am frustrated with her. She really gave me all my strength when I could have just completely fallen apart. I am extremely grateful for every event in my life good and bad because they make me who I am today. Yes, that is corny, but it is true.

I like to think about how far I have come in the past 20 months. I have dealt with more drama, more emotions, and more life changing events in that period of time than I have in my life. Really and truly I am a different person than I was 20 months ago. I am wiser, I am stronger, and I have a whole new purpose. I am a mother first and caring for Hadley and doing what is best for her trumps everything else. I have also learned so much more about what I want out of life. I have a whole new understanding of the environment in which I wish to live. These days, life is pretty simple. We have a routine and we kinda just swim along. It is nice. It is nice not to live in chaos, confusion, worry, dread, or panic. Things aren’t always easy, but I am in total control over what happens in my life. I am not a victim now, nor do I ever intend to put myself in a position in which I suffer because of someone else’s choices. I have total freedom in that regard.

At the end of the day, I get to kiss my beautiful baby, tell her good night and can fall asleep knowing I am doing the best I can for my child. I know that I provide her with security and love and that she is well taken care of. I know that while not everyone thought Hadley was the best idea or that the timing was off; she was the best idea at the exact right moment. It’s just funny, seeing other people pregnant just takes me back to that time in my life and it is so bizarre to think about how different EVERYTHING is now.

Feeling off...

Ever since Hadley was born and I had the big scare with my blood pressure I feel like I have become a hypochondriac; I am always fearful that something awful will happen to me and Hadley will be alone and it will be a while before anyone knows...it literally is something that I think about in one way or another at least once a day. It is sort of morbid, but being a single parent away from my family makes me that way- it doesn't help that at the slightest feeling of something off I have, to the Internet I go- there is nothing but scary things there, that convince me I am near death.

I have been fighting a sinus infection for a about a week, I thought it would go away, but no such luck. On top of that I started having chest pains the past three days. I am a person that checks my blood pressure at least ice a day. I am subsequently taking a higher dose of meds lately, because it has been high...the past few days it wasn't high at all, but the pains were concerning, as was the pain in my arms. So rather than be sorry later I went to the doctor. They immediately did an EKG, and said everything looked normal. My doctor assured me I hadn't had a heart attack and I wasn't at risk for having one soon. So, that is one less thing I have to worry about. I am one that puts up with a lot- I don't mind going the doctor, but on a tight budget, I like to only go when I have to. However, being Hadley's only caretaker it is super important for me to take care of myself, so I can take care of her. It just makes me so much more aware of my body and anything that feels off...it might be irrational, but literally it really is something I think about ALL the time!!

I swear it's like someone is attempting to communicate me via the how parenthood...I watched this weekend episode tonight and as always it just aligns so much with what's going on in my life and in my head. One of the mom's just learned she has cancer- she has three kids, one of which is younger than Hadley...I just cried for about 10 mins- life is precious; that a good reminder!!

Different

This weekend Hadley was with her dad from Saturday to Monday evening, because I had open house tonight (Monday). I have been away from Hadley for more than one night before, but something about not having her there on Sunday night made me really emotional. On one hand I got array good uninterrupted nights sleep, but on the other my heart ached and I missed her so bad; even more so this morning when I woke up alone. It just felt off- I didn't like it one bit!

I was uploading pictures onto shutterfly this evening from May and it is unbelievable how much more grown up she looks- she was such a baby just three months ago- it is hard to believe how much she has grown/changed/developed into a little person in such a relatively short amount of time!! It just solidifies the fact that kids really do grow up fast, but the older she gets the more I thoroughly enjoy my time with her. She can have conversations and express we feelings more and more everyday! I am just loving each stage more and more. Although, truth be told, I could do without the tantrums that come with the "terrible twos."

There have been several events with parents at my school in the last week that really got me thinking. First and foremost it made me very grateful for the environment in which I am raising my child, we live a pretty calm life, free of chaos, and that is so unbelievably important. I see how drama negatively impacts both kids and parents. It also makes me step back and think about how every choice I make can and will make some sort of impression on my child, that is a rather large responsibility. All I know is this- it is up to me to do everything I can to have a stable and comfortable environment for my child to thrive in, if I can do that I am seemingly ahead of many!