Is it Friday yet...

I have a terrible migraine and just now got Hadley to sleep- that is not such a great combination. Today was day, nothing too remarkable, we were a little crafty after dinner and colored and stickered; that's about all I can manage tonight!!!

Sick baby

Early this morning about 1, a very restless Hadley was radiating heat. She clearly had fever. At that point in time I knew that we would be staying home. I was pretty certain it was just another virus that I would not be given medication for so I hadn't planned on going to the doctor. She was in a pretty good mood in the morning, bit around 11 it was clear she wasn't feeling well. She was extremely lethargic, fussy, clingy, and just not herself.

I was able to get her a 3pm appointment, so I loaded her up on the car, and on our trip to the doctor she threw up all over herself. I pulled over, cleaned her off, changed her clothes and we drove on. I always say it is so good I am not one that is bothered by vomit with Hadley. We get into the doctor pretty quickly and after a negative strep test, it turns out she has an upper respiratory infection and am ear infection. We got an antibiotic and an anti vomiting/nausea medication, which I am presently waiting to pick up. This is the sickest I have seen her ever, she just isn't herself at all! I hope the medications kick in quickly and she is on the up and up soon!

Breaking point...

I try to be a really self reflective and honest person. Today I was reminded how little I like change, how much u temporarily get stressed and overwhelmed when several problems are thrown my way. I think it is my negative self talk getting the best at me; when multiple pie lens arise somewhere in my brain a switch goes off that it is my fault. I am not a martyr at least I do not want to be, but I have an initial moment of inner panic and shut down before I am able to forage on ahead.

Furthermore, I am quite possibly the most stressed I've ever been personally. I am a little nervous about how I am going to maintain the next few months. Daycare costs have for up almost $100 a month, after putting it of 13 months I am trying to make payments on Hadley's outstanding NICU bill, between the two of us we will have 5 doctors appointments this month. These are things that must be done, I do not have the option of "trying," I can't run and hide from these responsibilities and quite frankly I am really resenting those that can. It must be nice to get assistance from the government, must be nice to not have to be responsible for a single thing, must be nice to have money for things you do not need, rather to be over the age over 25 having someone else foot the bill! I am not bitter, it just isn't fair and I am tired of the excuses and all the bs...it would just be infinitely better for everyone if everyone did what they were supposed to do. So call me a bad person, call me selfish but raising a child is not cheap. I did not create this child alone...rant over. Here's hoping for the love of God something changes...I mean in action not words....the lip service is getting old.

Just another manic Monday...

Another weekend has come and gone, pretty quickly too I might add!

I have an ultrasound this morning...ever since I've had Hadley things have just been off; my doctor wanted me to do this back in February, but I kept having to reschedule. The ultra sound technician said everything looked great, and that my uterus was titled backwards...I had a feeling about that one. So as of right now it seems nothing is majorly wrong!!

When that was over I went to work for the rest of the day. I stopped my blood pressure medication 5 days ago, per doctor's suggestion, and the withdrawal has caused some headaches! So I left work a little earlier than usual; Hadley helped me do some work from home, colored, and really enjoyed her spaghetti dinner. She brought home a cute little canvas she colored in class today too. They were over quota in her class today, so she got to spend the afternoon in the baby. Class. I think this mostly happens when she is fussy, the baby teachers have put up with Hadley's fussing for over a year, I think they are just more used to the ball of emotions that is Hadley. It's fine by me, because I know Hadley misses Miss Claire and Victoria and they both love her- so it makes everyone happy...plus I don have to deal with the fact she isn't a baby anymore...in fact today she is 19 months old- y'all that's 5 months away from 2...crazy! Although I am fairly certain we have already entered the tantrum throwing phase of the terrible twos, at least I am hoping it doesn't get significantly worse than this :)

It's been a good month; she really is becoming a little person- she has her own mind, her own emotions, and is a great communicator. Today while I was driving her to school I took a look at her in the rear view and she looked identical to her father! I can see bits of me in her and I can definitely see a lot of my personality and mannerisms in her, I just hope that as she ages it becomes more obvious that we share DNA. Don't get me wrong she is beautiful and I wouldn't change a single thing about her, but I don't think anyone would match us up based on appearance...I can hope!

Solo Saturday

Before I was a mom, I was not one that liked alone time; in fact I hated it! While I do still love being around people, spending a Saturday alone with no obligations or diapers to change. Today was wonderful. I dropped Hadley off, got in an hour and a half at the gym ( 6th day in a row), did the grocery shopping for the week, renewed my lease, finished 50 Shades Darker, got some pool time in, watched Friends With Kids ( a movie I picked up from redbox), and even took a little nap. It was exactly what I needed to recharge before life goes back to full speed ahead August 1st!

Hmm...

I had a post planned in my head today, but I'm thinking it is too negative and I'm trying not to indulge in a rant or a pity party. So instead here are some pictures of Hadley today. She insisted I push her up and down the hall in her stroller....crazy child!

Reflections...

Sometimes it is really easy to look at the bad in any given situation. I am not by nature a silver lining kinda gal. I try really hard to be, but not so successfully! It would be super easy to get down or depressed because my life isn't exactly what I thought it would be. There are some things that are jusy "unfair" and no amount of complaining will change that. So I am make a decision to really try to focus on the good. After all there are tons of wonderful things to be thankful for: I have a great job, that not only enables me to single handedly support my child, but also allows me to work with kids and possibly make a small difference in their lives everyday. I have an amazing support system of friends and family, that would do anything to help me. I have a decently nice apartment with nice things, a fairly new car to drive, food to eat, a strong faith that helps me through the dark times, freedom of speech to express my
opinions, a college education, and of course the most amazing little girl ( even when she has her moments!!). I am really writing this as a reminder to myself. When you start comparing yourself to others it is easy to feel as if you come up short, but it isn't a competition ( repeating for my own sake- it ISN'T a competition).

I want to be a positive person; not just for my sake, but for Hadley's. I really am a lucky girl, even though I've had bad experiences they have all taught me something and have made me just. a little bit stronger. I am just glad I have several people in my life that runs me how lucky I am, especially in the moments when I so easily fall into the trap of throwing a pity party!